Gossip Girl
Empire Of The Son

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Reader, She Kisses Him

Dan assures Rufus that he has no feelings for the secret Cenobite he's dating, and just to prove it he decides to stand Blair up for their date. Rufus is so happy for the extra time outside that he turns a complete somersault in the air, then rides a tiny bicycle around while wearing a very fetching, very tiny party hat and squirting people with a seltzer bottle.

Dorota: "Joseph Beuys? Maybe I go with you to exhibit."
Blair: "You don't even know who he is."
Dorota: "He created term 'social sculpture' to illustrate idea of art's potential to transform society."
Blair: "How do you know that?"
Dorota: "[Because my moron act is just that, you jerkwad princess] From Mr. Humphrey's New York magazine I found in your room! Your new secrecy! Calmness with Mr. Chuck! Supporting Miss Serena's new boyfriend! Last week I find NOVA documentary in your Netflix queue! You and Lonelyboy are having affair! We have to tell Miss Serena!"
Blair: "Fine, I'll stand him up."

Serena takes Ben and Mrs. Sharp on a tour of Chez Waldorf and then, just to rub in their faces how bad she's slumming it, produces pizza in boxes. Mrs. Sharp's intolerance extends to lactose, though, so Serena's just like, "Then eat a salad, you harridan." She runs around the corner to take a call from Lily, who's decided that Ben is behind the orange jumpsuit, and S reminds her that we're done with that storyline.

Nevertheless, Serena creepers around to listen in on Mrs. Sharp telling Ben that his choices are either: Never make a life for himself without clearing his name, meaning he'll be a pauper that S can never really love, or else ruin her mother irrevocably and still not really be the kind of person S will end up with. Conundrum! Even S sees the wisdom of that... And what if Ben has already figured it out?

Meanwhile, guess what's haunting the rooms of PRADA MARFA once again? That's right, old Vanessa Abrams, overhearer and dropper of eaves. Lily's like, "Fool me once, shame on my daughter for getting roofied and murdered. Fool me twice?" Vanessa apologizes insincerely for that night she "helped" to engineer the death and indictment of both Lily's daughters, respectively, because not even Vanessa is capable of understanding how fucking useless she was/is/eternally will be. If they knew how much she was fucking up every stage of Juliet's plans they'd be like, "Thank God we have the enormous fucking-it-up powers of Vanessa on our side." But no, so if you could just wait a second, I have this whole other half-true bomb to drop that will decimate your family from a brand new direction. Lily's like, "Don't sit on my furniture. But continue speaking."

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Gossip Girl




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