Mrs. Sharp: "Hi, Lily. Do you know who I am?"
Lily: "Based on the smell of Connecticut Townie I would say you are Ben's mom. Sorry about the time I got your kid incarcerated for no reason and it broke his soul."
Mrs. Sharp: "No prob. Deal is, I kind of went through your daughter's underwear drawer after she tried to feed me pizza, and I found this affidavit..."
Lily: "You! Sharp Women! I can't believe I keep thinking Ben is a bad guy!"
Mrs. Sharp: "Well at least this time he's innocent and you didn't do anything terrible to him."
Lily: "No I mean seriously, I do that shit like three times a week! This time I aimed my daughter at him like a loaded gun. You can see her down there on the dance floor, chasing him around like an irate ox."
Mrs. Sharp: "Bound to happen eventually. Anyway, I gave it to Russell and I'm pretty sure he's going to do something public and terrible to you with it."
Lily: "Ben is going to be very disappointed in you."
Mrs. Sharp: "Lily, if you've taught me anything it's that sometimes a mother has to fuck absolutely everything up for everybody, for no real reason."
Dan: "Dad, I need to talk to you about the mysterious girlfriend."
Rufus: "As long as it's not Blair Waldorf!"
Rufus: "I mean, what a worthless piece of shit that one is, am I right? Even considering she's a member of our family, I can't stop hating her. It keeps me up nights!"
Rufus: "Even for an emasculated woman-hater like myself, she is just a fucking beast! You know what I mean? Just a misogyny free-for-all!"
Rufus: "What I'm saying, Dan, is that if I ever thought you were dating Blair Waldorf I would take my own life. I want to be clear about this. I would rather catch you in bed with Charlie Trout, or your brother Eric. I would rather learn you are sleeping with Lily! I would rather you die at my own hand!"
Rufus: "I'm serious, son, if I ever hear so much as a peep of you dating Blair Waldorf it is going to be Beloved on the Upper East Side. I fucking guarantee it!"
Dan: "Dad, you're hurting my arm..."
Rufus: "Now, what was it you were going to tell me? You know you can tell me anything. Come sit in my lap. I didn't mean it. You know I love you, right? Daddy doesn't mean to say these awful things."