Lily turns herself into the DA for her part in Ben's incarceration, but only after realizing that she's cornered and it's the only way to save Chuck from Russell Thorpe. Meanwhile, Ben comes clean to S about his attack on the Captain and the various other horrible things jail has done to him, and reveals his fear that he's been using Serena to Good Serena himself into thinking that he could turn back into the teacher she fell for. Serena does not follow any of these conversations, but hopes for the best.
Also hoping for the best: The entire extended Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey clan, who are all converging on the UES to circle the wagons and help Lily with her big upcoming legal battle. Billy Baldwin, CeCe... Everybody. So exciting. Even Vanessa. Everybody but Jenny, basically.
But it's thanks to Vanessa's stalkery tendencies that Team vdDubs finally figure out Juliet and Ben's mom, not Ben himself, was the one working for Thorpe. After Mrs. Sharp steals the affidavit for him -- and get ready to hear that word more times than waffles and fatwa combined -- Chuck and Lily engineer a plan to get Russell to blackmail Chuck in front of his daughter, kicking her free of the company and setting her relationship with Nate fully on the rails.
Of course, now that Bass Ind. is safe, Chuck learns the horrible truth behind Russell's vendetta: Raina's mother was one of the people who died in Bart's slumlord fire that we haven't talked about in two years. Russell leaves town, Raina stays, it's all very sweet and dramatic, and Raina still doesn't know Bart killed her mom. So: Distraught and once again burned to shit by Bart, not to mention Nate stealing his girlfriend, Charlie Trout is finally ready to rush back into Blair's arms.
...Which are currently locked around Dan Humphrey, after a twelve-hour mission by Rufus and Dorota to figure out separately what's going on with B and Lonelyboy -- hiding their friendship for reasons of social suicide and Serena, respectively -- reveals they possibly have feelings for each other. In order to find out for sure, and prematurely grossed out about the idea, episode's end finds them freeze-framed and locking lips. See you in April!
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I don't know what's more disconcerting: The unnecessary "twelve hours from now" framing device, or the fact that it makes this episode the first one I can think of in four years -- I could well be wrong, it does seem like something they would have done for one of those super-crazy impressionistic Charlie Trout episodes -- that doesn't start with GG yammering over NYC landscapes. Normally when you mess with the established things there's a big reason.
(Maybe it's just that the last act of the season -- which starts an hour from now -- is clearly going to be all about Lily paying for her many crimes? I can see that, actually. And then there's the weird way the episode ends, which bookends it nicely. Retracted.)
Anyway, it starts with no sound but the steps of Rufus and Lily as they get closer and closer to the ultimate doom of meeting with the ADA to give her statement about how she falsified an affidavit and ruined the life of a tiny bird-man. Then GG is like, "Let's rewind and see how that happened. I hope it has to do with the fate of Bart Bass's legacy!"
In the wake of her firing-slash-quitting, Blair is going on a cleanse. That's good. People with food and body issues should radically alter and restrict their diets whenever they're under stress. Having read about these things in her GOOP reading material, Serena is supportive. Blair's new philosophy is this: "If Chuck and I are meant to be together, then I should trust that. And in the meantime, I want whatever's best for both of us." Also, "B vitamins are excellent for cognitive function."
I don't know if you detected it, but that last statement was clearly a veiled invitation for Serena to start blabbering about her problems. It's hard to see, possibly, for the layman, but you know our Serena, she's a decorated detective with Scotland Yard now: Girlfriend can root these opportunities out like a pig to a truffle.
And what is the problem? Well, Serena finally fucked Ben, wolves howling, and so Ben isn't calling or texting or tweeting her because he has been eaten by the wolves. Blair is like, "If he was good in bed... Did you make sure he knew?" Serena's like, "I screamed myself raw, because that's what you do in bed." Blair's like, "Go tell him in person that you enjoyed your sexual intercourse with him. Then there will be no doubt."
Serena notes that Blair is being weirdly rational for the first time in her life, but then forgets to care about this, beyond her gratitude that it's caused Blair to advise S to do exactly what she was already going to do: Stomp on over to Brooklyn and stalk the guy who is avoiding her. Her other main move, on the occasions that she can locate Brooklyn.