Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Boys Think She's A Spy

And when you're a gay kid, for reasons that aren't immediately the same but ultimately derive from the same places, you're given a similar choice: A pretty gay boy can have the world, at the bargain price of just a few very simple, very basic, very easy-to-follow rules: Don't upset the boys. Don't upset the girls. Don't upset the men, don't upset the women. Don't disturb the very tenuous, very-much-living negotiation between men and women that forms the basis of society. Don't scare the wives, don't disturb the husbands. It's enough that you're funny, or pretty, or whatever niche you can scramble to find. If anybody ever gets the idea that you have more going on, you will be crucified for fucking with the economy. Turn yourself into a child, and you can have whatever you want. Be the Blonde.

Set your average club kid or circuit queen up against Paris Hilton and count the differences. It's not about feminizing the gay kid, it's about infantilizing them both. And if you learn to play this game, you get the world. Because the one thing nobody wants to think about is homosexuals fucking each other, and the one thing adults cannot handle is kids fucking each other, so the only shape a gay kid can assume in the larger culture is one that has zero sex at all. Every mannerism, every desire is up for discussion, which means the best possible choice is to close those parts of yourself off altogether, and cut off what you need to, to become the Blonde. To float on champagne giggles and naughty comments, just like Bad Serena.

When you see that Bad Serena look in her eyes, when you see Megan Fox's barely contained rage in Jennifer's Body, or in her interviews, that's what you're looking at: "Okay, motherfucker. You want to play, we'll play. I'll be the object. You put all your shit on me, no problem. I barely exist. Today I'll be the Blonde. Today I'll be the faggot. And tomorrow I'll have your job, and probably your boyfriend, and definitely the last laugh. But today, I'll be the Blonde."

I got a lot of flack last time I talked about this, as though there's just one way to be queer. As though there's just one way to be anything, or anybody. You do what works, and you respect yourself first and foremost. In Ole Golly's terms: "You are going to have to do two things, and you don't like either of them: 1) You have to apologize; 2) You have to lie... But, to yourself, you must always tell the truth. No more nonsense." It's a game you can play, and it's the game you can win: Serena's not the enemy, she's the role model. Male, female, gay or straight, it's the path of least resistance, and leads to the greatest success.

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Gossip Girl




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