Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Boys Think She's A Spy

Lily, of course, has no time for any of this crap, and tish-toshes both Gabriela's bitchy clucking and Rufus's craven whining: "Oh, it is both of our place!" There's silence, because fuck you and fuck your whole pack of stupid friends, and Vanessa prods her rude mother to produce the homemade strawberry rhubarb jam she made. Lily makes oohs and ahhs and tries to turn the subject back to Gabriela's supremely unimportant daughter, which is the only thing they will ever have in common: "You and your husband must be so proud of Vanessa!" Gabriela begrudgingly admits that Vanessa's "always been a very thoughtful and driven young woman," and Lily obligatories that NYU is "the perfect fit for her." She means it partly in the same demeaning way Serena always does when talking to Dan, but Gabriela won't be outdone in the Superiority Sweepstakes: "Well..." Even Vanessa is like, "And away we go."

"To be completely honest, my husband and I don't believe in private universities." Rufus nods dumbly; Lily is poised as usual. "Knowledge should not be for sale." Lily can't even believe this bitch, so they all stare at each other having a class-off until poor Rufus yanks the jam out and screams, "WHO'S HUNGRY!?" Everybody mumbles assent, but the best is Lily's WASPy, hateful, And-That-Is-That sigh: "Lovely!" I mean, like I said, Gabriela's not wrong about colleges, but she is talking to a couple with a child they've worked overtime and countless bleeding wounds to put into that school, and she knows it. One thing Austin has taught me is how to be aggressively better than you without making an issue of it. So the recycling bin is right there in the corner where you can see it, and you chose not to use it? No big deal. I'll just pull your trash out later with my bare hands and put it where it obviously belongs. Don't give it a second thought. It's not like I was really dying to have your plastic garbage biodegrading in my home for the 200 years that would require.

"Somehow, acting and make-believe began to fill up my life more and more. It got so I couldn't tell the real from the unreal. Except that the unreal seemed more real to me."

Chuck admits he was missing their little game -- which, note, Serena condemned weirdly for the specific possibility that Chuck would somehow kiss somebody that wasn't Blair -- and B points to her quarry. "She's a guy," Chuck notes, and B explains that this is the gayfaced guy that stole "her" speech and gave it to Vanessa. Not one bit of which is true. "He double-crossed me, and I..." Demand satisfaction, Chuck Chucks. Blair asks if he's down, of course he's down; he gives her a wonderful smile and she says she'll vanish for ten minutes. He asks her for only five, because of the whole no-kissing rule, but that's not her aim. He slides up to Josh Ellis, who finally looks over and asks if he can help him, and Chuck most excellently purrs, "Oh, definitely."

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Gossip Girl




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