Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Boys Think She's A Spy

Back at HQ, Serena's horrified by the wrongness of Bree's tells, and Nate is like, "I have to tell Grandfather how bad I fucked up," and Serena honestly goes, "Nate, let me talk to him. Please. He needs to know that you were trying to help me!" Like William van der Bilt is going to say, "You sunk our family's entire political future to get your friend's sketchy boyfriend out of... Oh, it was Serena? That's cool, bro." Well, on this show he might. The phone rings, and Serena scatters, only to be approached by a man with fascinating lips who tells her PJ's calling, so she opens the door only to hear Nate having the following Very Vanessa conversation: "PJ thinks he won the picture. Yeah, I have the real one... I mean, I feel bad about lying to Serena, but it worked."

The Tripp pic's doctored, and in reality he's just holding a beer stein and not a huge bong, meaning that Serena played the Blonde, and lost, because she didn't even know Nate was a bitch. She leaves without speaking, because fuck everybody, and... I guess she skulks around the HQ for the rest of the episode desperately waiting for Nate so she can jump out and scare him. I hope her phone is all charged up so she can at least do some texting while she's lurking for the hours and hours of timespace pandemonium that this show demands.

"Gabriela, this strawberry rhubarb jam to die for," Lily says. What she means is, "I wish you were dead so you would stop talking. "Thank you," Gabriela says, "It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar." What she means is, "My ethical carbon-trading bougie bullshit says that non-local agave is better than the hundred local Vermont sweeteners, because sugar is evil this week." Lily says, "Mmmm!" What she means is, "You are so disgusting and you don't even know it!" Gabriela asks if "Daniel" is coming to dinner, and Rufus sadly says no, because he has a date. With what I imagine is a surreal devilish glee but is probably just Lily being retarded, she squeals, "With Vanessa's roommate. Olivia Burke! Didn't she tell you?" Vanessa jerks uncontrollably, begging Lily to shut up, but shut up she will not: "She is a very famous actress!" Although I guess Lily wouldn't burn Vanessa like that, so I guess she's just being dumb/exactly what Rufus secretly and Gabriela not-so-hatefully hates about her.

Gabriela gives a holier-than-thou whinny: "I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of shallow Hollywood celebrities." Lily laughs again, ever more hatefully. "But apparently your school does..." Vanessa begs her mom not to start with that shit, but you try stopping an Abrams when she's being superior. "Honey, these institutions are businesses first." (True. I hate that I actually agree with everything she says!) "I mean, was this girl even qualified to enter?" Lily's grossed out. "Or was it purely a publicity stunt?" Vanessa's phone rings, and thank God, because consider this: You just said that shit to Lily Humphrey. Lily, the mother of Serena van der Woodsen, who literally could have gotten into every college on the East Coast based entirely on that single criterion. Call Olivia Burke a brainless Page Six girl, you're stabbing Lily in the heart. And you must pay.

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Gossip Girl




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