Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Boys Think She's A Spy

Blair wakes sweating; Chuck appears behind the bed, hilariously, in his housecoat, holding a paper. "Don't tell me it was Charade again. I know how terrifying you find Walter Matthau." Nope, she shudders: "I was in All About Eve." He cocks his head, surprised. She only dreams in Hepburn. Beautiful with her hair down, Blair shivers again, waking up: "I've never been Bette Davis before." Amazing. You should stop reading this recap and go write a novel starting with that sentence.

"I'm Audrey Hepburn," she whines, falling into his lap, confused and scared yet again: "Not some plain Baby Jane!" He kisses her head, and asks who played Eve. She's embarrassed to admit it, so she lies and says she couldn't see the face. Chuck tells her this is just about her ongoing NYU anxiety, and kindly tells her that though it may take time, one day she'll "hold that school in the palm of [her] dainty hand." Which he then kisses, wonderfully. She breathes it in; the strength they give each other is as powerful as it is terrifying. She launches herself across the room, to his delight: "I'm Audrey," she orders herself. "I'm Audrey."

Serena enters the HQ for Tripp's campaign wearing a truly mental purple dress: It's got one long sleeve, and an entire bolt of cloth banded diagonally across her breasts, like she's the queen of some terrifying Moon race. Nate's on the phone discussing Tripp with a councilmember when she comes in. There's some exposition about how the election wouldn't usually be open this year, but a Congressman died, opening up a House seat in Manhattan. "You know Grandfather," Nate says, pouring himself some coffee: "He figured, why wait?"

Nate's an odd duck. He's the one to watch this week, because his behavior is astounding, but also because you have to fill in some blanks to get there. But then he's always been slippery when it comes to his constant stonewalling of his relatives. There's always an outside reason, whether it's college or a girl, and he's always as devoted to his convictions on one side of things or the other. This time, he's a devoted van der Bilt because, like crazy conservatives have been doing for the last year, the Buckleys have forced his hand as a moderate back over to the van der Bilt side. "Tripp's a good guy, and with the Buckleys buying up all these attack ads against his campaign, I'm taking it kind of personally." Because that's how Nate takes everything.

Serena, the biggest shipper of all time, dutifully asks if Nate's talked to Bree, and in turn he asks if she's seen Carter. They're the only people who care about other people's relationships but that's only because they're the only people who actually/serially have relationships in this show, rather than insane obsessions. I'm sure they broke off mid-fuck to discuss his future with Blair the night she killed that guy. Needless to say, S hasn't spoken to Carter since she ate his lunch at the wedding. "I don't know if he's mad at me, or..." Um, dead? You actually know he's probably dead. Think it through, vdDubs.

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Gossip Girl




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