Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Boys Think She's A Spy

Chuck grabs Amalia with a period-appropriate "You there! You're one of Blair's new minions, aren't you?" I love how Chuck is so naturally madcap and unbelievable that he can say shit like this and nobody even really registers it. Watching this show involves accepting Chuck at face value, because that is a shitload of face to deal with. "My dinner canceled -- the Emir had to fly home, something about a revolution," he explains, and then jokes with Amalia for thinking B's still giving the toast, and calls her "Bambi." Then things get kind of tummy-rumbly because Amalia blurts out some half-sentences and her gaze darts to the corner, and between the gaze and the half-sentences Chuck puts together the whole story, which is: Blair whored him out in a gay way.

Hours later, or was it mere moments, Nate leaves the HQ and is leapt upon, Jagular-like, by Serena van der Woodsen, whose hand -- or is it? -- quickly retrieves the real Tripp photo from the lapel of his jacket -- or is it? Somebody's splotchy stubbly chest, somebody's giant man-hand, a weirdly looped line of dialogue. It could be from No Way Out starring Kevin Costner, we have no way of knowing. Somebody needs to give Chace Crawford some Shea butter or something, because his skin is not dealing well with the crisp New York autumn. The things we missed before HD. So he explains the whole idea -- give the Buckleys a fake photo so they'll look bad when their reveal is revealed to be fake -- but the interesting part is how it's worded: "People are finally going to see them as the villains they really are." That's so verbatim Blair I swear if I had more time I would look it up, but on this show when she says that -- fake it so real you're beyond fake, it doesn't matter if you frame people that deserve it -- it means she's about to become a villain herself. So stay tuned for that.

Serena points out that Nate just totally used Carter -- which he didn't, he used Serena -- but Nate takes the time to point out that Carter's sort of gross and sketchy and deserves to be murdered by roughnecks for breaking the heart of a fat girl, and if anything he's just sorry for lying to Serena herself. "No you're not," she says -- smacking the photo into a field of raised bumps and redness that were once a proud thatch of chest hair -- "But you will be." NICE! She stomps away and, thanks to her being Serena, this actually works: Beep "Manhattan! PJ Buckley!"

Dan stares while Olivia acts like a total dickhead. It's sort of amazing. Rufus and Lily stare at her in every possible way -- owlish, horrified, violently irritated -- while she yaks into her phone about how Leo is playing her boyfriend in the Mother Teresa movie, holds up one finger at them, talks about meeting at somebody's "pad" in "The Bu," and explains to Rufus and Lily that "The Bu" means "Malibu" before Dan can usher her away. "I love you too, bitch!" she yells, and rings off. He's like, "WHO ARE YOU." Olivia explains that she is now being the shallow Hollywood celebrity that he's so ashamed of, and doesn't want the rents to meet, and then he counters that Vanessa was also stirring the shit counter-clockwise, and they realize that Vanessa has once again tried to break them up, and stare across at her. Which is funny, because she's being totally weird and hunched-over some more, actually now stealing the microphone itself from the podium, while looking all around like Gollum and muttering to herself.

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Gossip Girl




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