Oh, the howling across America when she said that shit, it was like Pongo and Perdie lost their kids again. But also, it's totally true. They do put him in context. "This is my Dad, he's from 1994, and this is my sister. She lives down a drain. I'm the normal one." Plus now that he's got the perfect van ders on his side (not to mention Chuck Bass, practically) he's pretty much in the coolest family on Earth. Hell, I'd date him if it meant hanging out with Serena and Eric. It's true. I'd gay-marry Dan Humphrey just to call Lily "Mom." And, as we'll see, I'm not alone. Anyway, Dan makes a cute face and agrees to invite Olivia, and Rufus says "awesome" one or more times, and says it's going to be a "great night for the Humphreys" what with... Them having dinner? You go, Rufus. "And who knows, maybe the Abramses!" At this pathetic add-on, Vanessa dares to hope... And the gods begin to laugh, deep from their bellies. Heartily.
She closes her mouth to speak
And closes her eyes to see
So Bree's cousin PJ Buckley hosts a poker game, Nate explains to Serena -- who is still wearing the insane purple dress -- and he's like, "Picture a young JR Ewing, in Earnest Sewn jeans." (I'm picturing, and turns out I'm spot on, a sexy/douchebag Grade A t-bone with a popped collar.) Would he really bet a person? "I've seen his friends bet thoroughbreds, an island in the Seychelles, the Knicks..." S points out that Nate is not a card shark, as Carter or anybody else could tell you, and Nate loses a second to his stoner imagination -- would that be a card made out of sharks, or a shark made out of cards? -- before explaining with way too much extraneous detail that one night at the Maidenstone Bree told him all PJ's tells.
So let me get this motherfucking straight. You were sitting around the Hamptons with your girlfriend, even though neither of you were allowed out the house except on the rare occasions when you wandered around the city talking about how you're not allowed out the house, and she was like, "Remember my cousin PJ? Man, when he plays poker it's not even funny. His tells, let me tell them to you." Which would be dumb even if we weren't already privy to the kind of conversations they actually were having, which were mainly competitions about who could get gayer, but of course, this is a lie, being told by Nate Archibald, to Serena van der Woodsen. He could be like, "I'm not a card shark -- whatever that is -- but I do have a magic hat you can wear that makes you great at poker." Their already formidable Bad Plan Powers are just exponential when they're together, like the Supertwins. She can assume the form of a card shark and he can be the bucket she swims around in.