"Closing my heart" is the new waffles. I cannot... This is like fan fiction of this show and not actually the show. Why do we always go back to the eight letters thing? He is not ROBOCOP. It is not AMAZING that he has emotions. You can't play that card. You can't play that Grinch card, especially as a trump over PROSTITUTION. "Sorry I turned your ass out, but look at this single tear because of my mommy. Now we are even." You also cannot always be talking about closing and opening his heart. That is gayer even than he is. And you can't have both at once, which is what we're trying to do. And you certainly can't make this bullshit Blair's responsibility, which is the worst part: "You know how you said you dump me? Well, if you don't jump through these hoops, I am going to dump you!"

She takes off with Cameron and asks him to bore her about rugby, and stares longingly at the Empire State Building in a concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

S finally answers Nate's call, but only to tell him A) She got Will away from the cops somehow, B) Thanks for calling the cops on my Dad, C) This is why I keep secrets from you, and D) To eat a dick. She hops in the towncar, and guess who's there but her old friend Humphrey, to whom she apologizes about how emotionally this was probably complicated for him. "When are things not complicated with Serena van der Woodsen?"

ALWAYS. Things are ALWAYS not complicated with Serena van der Woodsen, until you bastards start pulling shit like this, because her needs are simple: Do not question her, do not invade her territory, let her figure things out in her own time, supply her with vodka and sex, strawberries when they're in season, and don't keep her up too late, because she needs her rest. And if everybody would just do what she says and not be constantly fucking with her from behind the scenes, nobody would have any problems. Her Guide to Teen Popularity would honestly work for everybody on earth. Don't you think even Vanessa would be great if she just took a page from S, and chilled out?

Jenny shows up at Chuck's for like no reason. Nate is there, drinking and sort of wobbling around in his personal darkness, and Jenny is honestly surprised to see him there because of all the Serena drama, and just as Serena is settling into Dan's shoulder for the ride back to PRADA, Nate is grabbing Jenny's luggage and doing a funny Pullman porter move with one hand, walking her down the hall, following her into the bedroom. Fucking finally! If she doesn't close the deal this time, I'm done. Here's to the Humphreys, who don't even wait until the body's cold.