Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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L.Y.L.A.W.T.F.

S leaves the scene abruptly for some reason, but then Rufus barges into the house for the 18th time, having now assembled the entire puzzle of Holland Things. Serena tells him to get the fuck out of her house, and Rufus comes back with the undefeatable "You want to tell her, or should I?" Because of course any time Will or Serena tells Rufus that Lily doesn't want to see him, she immediately comes wafting down the stairs in a drugged-up haze, drinking apple juice with his seed inside her, to deliver a vague hello.

Then... I'm not doing this scene. It's so fucking insulting. The rest of the cast is riding in a limo over to PRADA and explaining the shit to each other in minute detail. Lily had cancer, Will cured it but fell in love with her, sent the letter to freak Rufus out, it didn't work, sent Holland to freak Rufus out -- "Holland's husband was leaving her, and she was desperate for a friend" -- but it didn't work, so then Plan C was: Give Lily fake cancer by treating her for African River Blindness.

They all act like this makes total sense and explain it to each other and generally do their very best to act as though this isn't the most retarded thing they've ever had to do, sit in a limo and talk about the show we're watching at length, although there's one neat moment where Nate says, "No wonder you admire him. It's almost like something you would do," and he's talking to Chuck, but Blair's not looking and assumes he's talking to her, and says thank you. I liked that little moment. So then Dan and Jenny ruin everything by going, "The only question now is... Will Lily believe [Rufus]?" Like you're Rod Serling or Alfred Hitchcock or something. Like you're fucking Shelley Duvall over here.

Rufus and Will yell at each other, oh what a Talking Like This contest, and finally Will's like, "I will go downstairs where my luggage is and find the files that suggest I am not treating your mother for African River Blindness!" S says he doesn't really need to prove himself, but both Lily and Eric are slightly more interested in her health status than in making sure Will doesn't leave Serena's line of sight for more than a few seconds, so he beats it downstairs and you can practically hear the screech of tires as he gets the fuck out of there.

Serena gives a half-hearted nod to how fucking insane she's acting -- "I'm sorry, Mom. I don't want you to be sick, but Dad is not lying to us," which, parse that insanity why don't you -- and then the whole rest of the cast show up and tell S that Will has totally left, once again. She does some cartwheels and downs some shots and sticks her fingers in her ears and goes la-la-la. Then she beats it downstairs to the lobby to see if they are lying to her for no reason. It's pathetic, but not really for character reasons: More like, again, we're gesturing toward the idea of denial and instead of making it work in the story, we're just making Serena carry a huge glittery sign that says DENIAL and she says, like, "I reject your reality! I deny the truth! The facts are not my facts!" Which is not how people actually act.

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Gossip Girl

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