Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

I mean, doesn't that sound like a fucking great episode? If I told you that was what happened, you'd think it was soooo good. But instead it's just retarded and endless and gets a lot of stuff done so quickly that nothing actually happens, other than the entire cast constantly discussing how interesting it might be if something happened, and how that would go down. And this sprinkled with a bunch of nods toward the idea of jokes that are not actually jokes, or even coherent statements, but just enough to make us laugh like we're watching America's Funniest Home Socialites, the equivalent of a bat to the groin, every minute or so -- without any reason to actually laugh or think or care.

Essentially, everybody is Nate in this episode, which means everybody is Dorota in this episode: Gestures toward something that is supposedly funny, without ever actually being funny or clever in any way. It's vicious and painful, but it gets us there, and far away from the trumped-up drama of Serena that distracted us from the retardedly protracted drama that was Blair/Chuck, and no matter how ham-fisted or ugly or plain offensive it was, for just that I am totally grateful. At least we're going somewhere new, as soon as this dreadful mess is over with.

Blair and Serena, in a weirdly literal cloud of princess sparkles, try on some clothes for B's date with Cute Columbia Cameron. Blair throws out a reference to Wuthering Heights that means nothing, and Serena spends the whole conversation mugging and being impressed with her nonexistent cleverness. Blair's never been on a date, so she's stressing: He's not Nate, whom she's been bossing around since they were all five, and he's not Chuck, who has been raping people since they were all five. "...A real date. With someone I didn't know already, or who wasn't a British lord masquerading as a college student."

Serena suddenly has to go, because I guess she just remembered that Rufus cheated on Lily with Holland. She literally is like, "I just have to get home. I think Rufus cheated on her." Blair sympathizes -- "I didn't know they even had groupies that old" -- and that signature Serena van der Woodsen cleverness clarifies: "They met at the Rooftop Garden Committee." Serena and her dad Will discussed this information and decided not to tell Lily, because of Illness. B offers Dorota's Polish Mob connections, which is so funny because just the word "Dorota" is enough for a laugh I guess, and S tells Blair not to bring handcuffs on the date, which is so funny because just the word "handcuffs" is enough for a laugh, I guess. Every fucking scene is like this: Writing around the idea, gesturing toward the idea, never actually having the idea.

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Gossip Girl




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