Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
L.Y.L.A.W.T.F.

So Little J whines about the usual and how she wants to live in Brooklyn and catch rats for her dinner like in the old days, and storms off with the evidence necessary to save Lily's life that she is not going to use for that. Lily comes downstairs -- that's all she does in this episode, go up and down the stairs in a fog of drugs and act vaguely surprised by everything that happens -- and she's like, "Don't fight with your stepsister! About your stepfather! Fucking that lady!"

S says it wasn't about that, which is awesome, because they weren't really fighting about anything, she just hates Jenny and felt like being mean, which is great. Not only in theory, but also in this case because it meant Jenny deciding that Lily's life wasn't worth it. Then Lily has like a fit or something, and S is like, are you okay, and she goes, "No, I'm fine. I'm fine physically." She totally has a hideous little Humphrey in her, I know it. God damn it. Then she spots the juicer and feels warm all over and decides to go to the Library benefit tonight after all. Who knew it was a juicer and not a waffle iron that would prove the key to Lily's heart.

Cameron has vanished for dinner with his rugby team, which Chuck -- of all people -- finds "homoerotic." B says obviously that's what she's into, vide every guy she's ever dated, and they both look fantastic, in their party clothes. Chuck Bass will wear the shit out of a tux. So Jenny shows up and lies and says she didn't get the proof and hides it deeper in her purse and hopes that Lily drops dead, because that'll show 'em. "Watch out, Lonelyboy. Seems your little sister has her own ideas about your family's planning..." GOSSIP GIRL WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

Okay, party time. But instead of actually doing anything, let's talk about it for a long time and explain this whole stupid goddamn plan. The best part of this is that they are all terrified of Serena, who is there like this blonde specter haunting them with her presence. And the reason is that you don't do this shit to Serena. It's the only thing that bugs her in this entire world is when you do this stuff to her. So Nate and Dan are bringing a Dr. Tabb over from Mt. Sinai, because he's on the AMA board and can threaten Holland with delicensing if she doesn't explain herself to the satisfaction of these children.

They give Jenny this doctor's ticket and Blair's phone, and she immediately dials up Ortho at Mt. Sinai -- a number she just knows -- to say that Dr. Tabb doesn't need to come to the benefit after all, because it would suit her better if Lily died. Serena spots Jenny and her breasts, and makes a mean face and calls Rufus to tattle on her, because she is grounded. Serena is just out to get old Jenny this week. Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair bother Holland with their relationship, and somewhere in there of course it turns into a bit of a real therapy session, which leads directly to the gaywaddest thing in this whole episode, which we will get to in a bit.

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Gossip Girl

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