I will never forgive this show if they make me like Beatrice Grimaldi. You took away Vanessa, you won't let me hate this show for more than a couple weeks at a time... Don't take this away too.
Serena: "Hey Dan! I was just calling to be super pathetic some more, but luckily you're so self-involved you won't notice. Now, as far as what you care about, I just wanted to tell you that Blair is okay and asleep."
Dan: "You know what's shocking is that I was touched by what you wrote. I assumed you couldn't even read, but this was really nice."
Serena: "You were... Moved?"
Dan: "I mean, that's funny because it's fake, you know, but it's true. I liked it."
Serena: "Not entirely fake, though. Right? RIGHT?"
Dan: "It is factual that we once dated, sure..."
Serena: "Yeah, but I think you and I both know what I'm talking about."
Dan: "Did you forget who you are talking to?"
Serena: "Ugh, good point."
Dan: "But wait, what is it? Were you going to declare your..."
Serena giggles and tosses her hair even though he's in Brooklyn, but before she can get ahold of herself and realize how fuckin' dumb she's about to be, Chuck walks in. Whew.
Serena: "Chuck, you need to get the fuck on up out of here."
Chuck: "Whatever you think I did, I didn't do it."
Serena: "Okay, but she's asleep."
Chuck: "Fine, I'm going. But if there's one thing I learned from Blair it's that you don't give up on the people you love."
Serena: "That's so sweet because it's true about her, and true about him, and a nice spin to put on their macabre obsession with each other, but more importantly -- hang on, a thought is forming -- more importantly, it is also about me. Dan Humphrey, get ready. You are about to get more Serena van der Woodsen up in your shit than you ever dreamed possible."
Serena cutely pulls the roommate/hangover thing, complete with Blair breathlessly pulling sheets over her head and Serena screaming "RISE AND SHINE!" and swimming before Blair's eyes like a secretly hateful vision of total beauty and horrors to come.