SPECTATOR

So this whole thing where Serena publishing a blog is equivalent to Beyoncé giving birth? That's actually going to be a thing in this episode. Okay, cool. Let's go with that. The more I think about it, the less stupid that sounds. Rufus and Lily have finally left the house and are there to meet Serena and Dan for this once-in-a-lifetime media event. Lily's carrying her largest purse; it's actually bigger than Serena's, which I didn't even know they made purses bigger than Serena's purses.

Lily: "It's not every day you get to see your face on a taxi cab. At least, not unless Blair prays to God and he murders you with one."
Paps: "Serena van der Woodsen, over here! Lily Bass! That guy she married!"
Lily: "Don't take pictures until the taxi with my daughter's face on it shows up."

Kind of awesome. Serena holds up Dan's iPad with her blog on it next to her face, going live at ten, in front of the taxi... But it's blank! 404! Everybody goes into a giant fucking meltdown, like the paparazzi are crying and Serena's screaming at Internet God and Dan's like, "This is so weird" and Lily's on the phone with somebody -- like, whatever person it is when your blog doesn't immediately publish, you know, that official person in charge of that -- and then it's just this screaming riot of people hurling their smartphones at the sidewalk and climbing up onto the taxi and shaking it from side to side. Rufus punches a lady on a bicycle, Lily kicks a dent in the car door, Serena pulls her dress up over her head and sets fire to her purse. Dan spits in the face of his iPad.

Upstairs, Nate looks demonically at his publishing software, having successfully deleted Serena's blog from the publishing queue. He receives a thank-you email immediately from the address "Gossip Girl" and sighs. Biggest click he ever clicked.

What are we even doing? I mean, this is maybe the best thing that has ever happened in the world, don't get me wrong. But seriously, what is going to happen here?

SPECTATOR