As much as you maybe didn't like last week's episode, this one was absolutely brilliant on basically every level: Better than even the worst episode could be bad. Hearkening back to the show's classic early-years themes and blatantly rewriting previous motifs toward a post-God future, it's got everything: Dan being self-absorbed and wonderful, Serena doing Plans and being a creepster, Tripp and Nate having their showdown, Blair getting adorable and drunk and acting astonishingly like Blair, all of it.

So the deal is that Beatrice has been helping Blair deal with the miscarriage side of things, and thus been invited into the wedding as a bridesmaid. But Beatrice is still working with Father Cavalia to bring them down so that she can be princess -- which plan becomes more critical when Blair reveals she intends to remove Cavalia as the family priest once the wedding is done.

That wacky pair of jerks rewrite her bachelorette and take her out to a shot bar, where she gets caught with a joint after trying to grab a cop's gun. (This part was fantastic, with large thanks to director Amy Heckerling.) Somewhere in the middle of all this Beatrice decides she likes Blair after all and tries to call the whole thing off, but Cavalia's now called in the big artillery to ruin the wedding next week. Artillery with names like "Chuck" and "Georgina Sparks."

The only person who sees Chuck's hand in this last-ditch attempt is, of course, Dan Humphrey, but he's got problems of his own: Serena is taking their pretend romance exactly as seriously as we feared, and it's impacting his writing career. Turns out the options for his second book narrow greatly when it's his UES romance getting hyped, and since Serena's inaugural column is about their relationship, both past and present, he's put in a sticky place.

Also in a sticky place w/r/t the column is Nate, who's forced by GG to delay Serena's publication as they try to figure out who tried to murder him. End of the day, though, it's a Serena Plan that forces GG and Tripp to solve the murder without anyone getting hurt, and Tripp finally confesses for what he did. In retaliation for always pitting them against each other, Nate decides to buy back The Spectator from William and, once again, prove himself as his own man.

In the end, Blair's a happy camper: After all, she found Louis's vows and they have settled her mind about the entirety of her relationship, being as they are so romantically key to understanding her as a woman. And so she lets Serena off the hook, going into Wedding Day, for the fake-dating of Humphrey.

Just two problems: Serena has no intention of letting her fake boyfriend go, as long as there's a chance she can still win him for herself... And it was Dan who wrote the vows.

I'm not going to lie, there was so much to love here. Meester turned the motherfucker out, and the show treated both Blair and Serena like people for the first time in a hundred years. That last reveal took my breath away, and the twists were rock solid and believable. If this is the status quo the car accident was setting up, then we are about to be treated to one of the finest half-seasons this show's ever produced. And if not, this one still belongs in the all-time Top Five. I am speechless in admiration, to be honest, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed it, too.