As much as you maybe didn't like last week's episode, this one was absolutely brilliant on basically every level: Better than even the worst episode could be bad. Hearkening back to the show's classic early-years themes and blatantly rewriting previous motifs toward a post-God future, it's got everything: Dan being self-absorbed and wonderful, Serena doing Plans and being a creepster, Tripp and Nate having their showdown, Blair getting adorable and drunk and acting astonishingly like Blair, all of it.
So the deal is that Beatrice has been helping Blair deal with the miscarriage side of things, and thus been invited into the wedding as a bridesmaid. But Beatrice is still working with Father Cavalia to bring them down so that she can be princess -- which plan becomes more critical when Blair reveals she intends to remove Cavalia as the family priest once the wedding is done.
That wacky pair of jerks rewrite her bachelorette and take her out to a shot bar, where she gets caught with a joint after trying to grab a cop's gun. (This part was fantastic, with large thanks to director Amy Heckerling.) Somewhere in the middle of all this Beatrice decides she likes Blair after all and tries to call the whole thing off, but Cavalia's now called in the big artillery to ruin the wedding next week. Artillery with names like "Chuck" and "Georgina Sparks."
The only person who sees Chuck's hand in this last-ditch attempt is, of course, Dan Humphrey, but he's got problems of his own: Serena is taking their pretend romance exactly as seriously as we feared, and it's impacting his writing career. Turns out the options for his second book narrow greatly when it's his UES romance getting hyped, and since Serena's inaugural column is about their relationship, both past and present, he's put in a sticky place.
Also in a sticky place w/r/t the column is Nate, who's forced by GG to delay Serena's publication as they try to figure out who tried to murder him. End of the day, though, it's a Serena Plan that forces GG and Tripp to solve the murder without anyone getting hurt, and Tripp finally confesses for what he did. In retaliation for always pitting them against each other, Nate decides to buy back The Spectator from William and, once again, prove himself as his own man.
In the end, Blair's a happy camper: After all, she found Louis's vows and they have settled her mind about the entirety of her relationship, being as they are so romantically key to understanding her as a woman. And so she lets Serena off the hook, going into Wedding Day, for the fake-dating of Humphrey.
Just two problems: Serena has no intention of letting her fake boyfriend go, as long as there's a chance she can still win him for herself... And it was Dan who wrote the vows.
I'm not going to lie, there was so much to love here. Meester turned the motherfucker out, and the show treated both Blair and Serena like people for the first time in a hundred years. That last reveal took my breath away, and the twists were rock solid and believable. If this is the status quo the car accident was setting up, then we are about to be treated to one of the finest half-seasons this show's ever produced. And if not, this one still belongs in the all-time Top Five. I am speechless in admiration, to be honest, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed it, too.
Blair miscarried her baby and subsequently lost her goddamn mind. Chuck and Louis decided she was having an affair with Dan -- which is simply ludicrous that that would ever happen, right -- and so Serena decided to help with one of her weirdest helpful plans ever, essentially leveraging Blair's insanity to blackmail Dan into fake-dating her. In other news, a vast conspiracy of blond cheekbones has arrayed to destroy Nathaniel Archibald, who never did anyone any harm, meaning that he must now ally with Gossip Girl against the awesome powers of Serena's GOOSIP Girl Army.
I never thought about it but having the episodes start without Gossip Girl's drug-addled nonsense has been more of a tonal issue than you might have imagined. But now she's back. And what the fuck is she talking about? Nobody knows.
Chuck: "Good morning, Nate. Let's agree that you look like hell even though really you look perfect as usual."
Nate: "I have read my entire website magazine media portal thing and I can't figure out my impending murder. Perhaps Xtina Aguilera is to blame."
Chuck: "She better switch me chairs. What of your friendship with that fume-inhaling cave witch, Gossip Girl? Sometimes you have to bed down with unlikely partners."
Nate: "I don't want to talk about Dan. Review instead for me your troubled relationship with Blair, at length."
Blair's doorman alerts Chuck to the fact that she is luncheoning with the horrific Beatrice, her future sister-in-law, and he leaves to do some kind of dirt.
Nate: "There's a fine line between surveillance and stalking, Charles."
Chuck: "Enthusiastic consent is a comforting lie created by sociology majors."
Chuck leaves; Nate chokes back a tear and texts Gossip Girl. In his blood!
Beatrice: "Sorry I'm so awful and at your house."
Blair: "I'm so happy that we're sisters. Thanks for taking care of me in the absence of any of my friends noticing that I had a miscarriage."
Beatrice: "I'm sorry something so sad made us be friends."
Blair: "Well, and the complete downward spiral of my basic mental faculties. How would you like to be a bridesmaid in my wedding to your brother, like would obviously have already been decided?"
Beatrice: "Really? But I'm so repulsive!"
Blair: "Have you met my minions? Trust me, you'll fit right in. And you're coming to the bachelorette party."
Beatrice: "A real American bachelorette party? Like in the movies?"
Blair: "Ugh. Sure, whatever. Serena planned it, so it's likely some kind of intervention or pop-up fashion show. But we live in hope. Hope and deep, deep crazy."