Blair miscarried her baby and subsequently lost her goddamn mind. Chuck and Louis decided she was having an affair with Dan -- which is simply ludicrous that that would ever happen, right -- and so Serena decided to help with one of her weirdest helpful plans ever, essentially leveraging Blair's insanity to blackmail Dan into fake-dating her. In other news, a vast conspiracy of blond cheekbones has arrayed to destroy Nathaniel Archibald, who never did anyone any harm, meaning that he must now ally with Gossip Girl against the awesome powers of Serena's GOOSIP Girl Army.
I never thought about it but having the episodes start without Gossip Girl's drug-addled nonsense has been more of a tonal issue than you might have imagined. But now she's back. And what the fuck is she talking about? Nobody knows.
Chuck: "Good morning, Nate. Let's agree that you look like hell even though really you look perfect as usual."
Nate: "I have read my entire website magazine media portal thing and I can't figure out my impending murder. Perhaps Xtina Aguilera is to blame."
Chuck: "She better switch me chairs. What of your friendship with that fume-inhaling cave witch, Gossip Girl? Sometimes you have to bed down with unlikely partners."
Nate: "I don't want to talk about Dan. Review instead for me your troubled relationship with Blair, at length."
Blair's doorman alerts Chuck to the fact that she is luncheoning with the horrific Beatrice, her future sister-in-law, and he leaves to do some kind of dirt.
Nate: "There's a fine line between surveillance and stalking, Charles."
Chuck: "Enthusiastic consent is a comforting lie created by sociology majors."
Chuck leaves; Nate chokes back a tear and texts Gossip Girl. In his blood!
Beatrice: "Sorry I'm so awful and at your house."
Blair: "I'm so happy that we're sisters. Thanks for taking care of me in the absence of any of my friends noticing that I had a miscarriage."
Beatrice: "I'm sorry something so sad made us be friends."
Blair: "Well, and the complete downward spiral of my basic mental faculties. How would you like to be a bridesmaid in my wedding to your brother, like would obviously have already been decided?"
Beatrice: "Really? But I'm so repulsive!"
Blair: "Have you met my minions? Trust me, you'll fit right in. And you're coming to the bachelorette party."
Beatrice: "A real American bachelorette party? Like in the movies?"
Blair: "Ugh. Sure, whatever. Serena planned it, so it's likely some kind of intervention or pop-up fashion show. But we live in hope. Hope and deep, deep crazy."