Wm.: "Tripp has decided he wants to confess to the police himself, so we're going. You did a really great job tonight being a grownup -- and for not blaming me."
Nate: "Wellll, you kind of created this whole dichotomy in the first place. Murdering each other for your love is kind of how you set us up."
Wm.: "OMG you always do this. I bought you a magazine!"
Nate: "Which I will be buying back from you so that my life will one day have meaning."
Good old Nate. When things get weird, just remember to bite the hand that feeds you. Clockwork, this kid. Yeah, maybe this time it'll take. Maybe this one time you won't end up a prostitute.
Serena: "So they're not even pressing charges? Thank God! Listen, I have to tell you about the amazingly fucked-up night I have had so far..."
Dan: "Serena, I need to talk to you about something more important than anything you could possibly tell me."
Serena: "Is it about your motherfucking lit..."
Dan: "-- Yes. It's about my literary career."
Serena, cute: "Are you fake breaking up with me?"
Dan, also cute: "It's not fake you, it's fake me."
Serena, still cute: "Don't worry, you haven't fake-hurt my fake feelings."
Blair runs up, drunk again now that she's chill, and Serena's like, "You smell like drunk poor people."
Blair: "I had shots! They were fun!"
Dan and Serena adore her, but it gets a little sadder for S when Blair throws her arms around Beatrice, her new BFF. Serena is just taking it in the tits tonight.
Beatrice runs off to tell Father Cavalia that A) She likes Blair now and doesn't want to play games anymore and B) Fuck you because I know you're never going to leave the service of the church: Stupid priests, with their goddamn vows! Man, that is like the best breakup conversation of all time. "We just wanted different things. I wanted to stop tempting fate by fucking a priest, and he wanted to be the Pope of Monaco."
I will never forgive this show if they make me like Beatrice Grimaldi. You took away Vanessa, you won't let me hate this show for more than a couple weeks at a time... Don't take this away too.
Serena: "Hey Dan! I was just calling to be super pathetic some more, but luckily you're so self-involved you won't notice. Now, as far as what you care about, I just wanted to tell you that Blair is okay and asleep."
Dan: "You know what's shocking is that I was touched by what you wrote. I assumed you couldn't even read, but this was really nice."
Serena: "You were... Moved?"
Dan: "I mean, that's funny because it's fake, you know, but it's true. I liked it."
Serena: "Not entirely fake, though. Right? RIGHT?"
Dan: "It is factual that we once dated, sure..."
Serena: "Yeah, but I think you and I both know what I'm talking about."
Dan: "Did you forget who you are talking to?"
Serena: "Ugh, good point."
Dan: "But wait, what is it? Were you going to declare your..."