Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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If I Ever Feel Better

"Okay, wait. No matter what we did, Serena still went on a bender and overdosed. Maybe she needs the help that that Center can provide. Who knows? We may have called attention to a larger problem that could have been much worse." For Juliet, I guess, locked up is locked up, and that's justice: They'll reset the timeline to Season One and everybody will assume she's a murdering teacher-ruining coke whore, which is what Juliet needs her to be. Now, more than ever. Jenny doesn't even really acknowledge Juliet's demand that she keep quiet and consult her fellow witches before blabbing anything, she just takes off. Meanwhile, Juliet sends GG some pictures of herself snorting coke in her Serena costume. That girl has every exit covered, I swear.

While en route, Dan comes to visit S, which she sweetly assumes is Lily's way of "sending in the big guns." I really like the open acknowledgement that Dan's the only actual person that can get through to Serena when the issue is something on this level: It's a Humphrey/van der Woodsen conundrum, and Dan's the only one who can do both now, so he's automatically the go-to. Jenny's too unpredictable, Rufus doesn't give a shit, Eric's too close to it. But Dan, although it's often misguided, honestly does just trust and care about Serena at this point.

Serena swears she remembers nothing, wishes she did, and then somehow manages to say with a straight face that the last thing she remembers was heading into that party with the express purpose of choosing, and kissing, Dan Humphrey. (Which, awesomely, could have played into Nate's whole Bad Serena concept about her sucking you back into her drama, but they don't go there. What happens with Lily is probably better, but I would still have liked the possibility of playing this episode both ways in your head: Maybe Serena's using her powers and resources to get out of there, or maybe she's just being honest all the time. Instead, we only get Option B and Dan never questions her, which is in turn either out of character or a sign of growth, depending on whatever the next writer does with it.)

Dan's like, "Get your stuff, ya sweet little head case." Because what's more romantic than busting a crazy girl out of the institution? No matter how many times the movies try to tell me that crazy people are romantic, and that mental health is a terrible monster from which we must be protected, I can't really believe that, because just writing that story identifies you as yourself a crazy person. Which makes the rest of this kind of dumb, but considering this episode is like a three-ep arc in one hour, it doesn't last too long. Of all the packed episodes of this show that we've seen, in some ways this is the packedest.

Vanessa and Juliet have a tense little discussion about how like Jenny she is going to Ostroff to pretend she's a part of this story, this family, this show, and Juliet repeats her advice, "With one caveat: We are not responsible for what Serena did after she left that night. If Jenny wants to come clean, they will forgive her eventually. She's family. You're not. You will lose all of them. Especially Dan. He will use you as an excuse to go right back to Serena. And this time, that's where he'll stay. If Jenny wants to go down for something that we didn't do, then that's her call. But she goes down alone."

Which is lovely in many ways: Firstly because every time you push that bruise it feels delightful, and she managed to find both of Vanessa's buttons in record time, with the bonus of obliquely implying that she'll never be UES material. Secondly because it's a neat reversal of what Vanessa did to Juliet at the ballet when she turned her back into Odile. Thirdly because girlfriend is packing her shit up quick as pan while she's having this conversation, meaning that once the shit hits, which is a given because of Vanessa's innate ability to do a goddamn thing right, she'll be long-gone, and thus Vanessa will be left holding even more of the bag than she is right now.

We're all about talking about Juliet's serial takedowns of Serena, but the fact that Vanessa's just constant collateral damage, every single time, I mean, doesn't that make it worth it? She makes V her tool, insults her every five seconds, and inevitably V gets fucked for it in the end. Juliet's neither a villain nor an anti-hero, she's the goddamn hero of the whole show. If anybody deserves a coke-fueled threesome with Georgina Sparks, it's our goodly Miss Sharp. The show would explode in its own awesomeness if those two ever allied, but it would be so worth it. Sparks! Sharp! Sharp & Sparks! Sparks & Sharp! We kill you dead!

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Gossip Girl

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