Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
If I Ever Feel Better
the pictures of Serena doing blow. Serena comes out of there holding hands with B all, "I guess my memories of that night are even more confused than we thought. I hope I didn't kill anybody this time. Take me to the nut house. No straitjacket required. Although I have decided to wear the bucket on my head."

Dan and Serena make out a little bit before putting the S back in Otroff Center, and they head out. Rufus meanwhile has been wandering the streets with zero Jenny and one more Abrams than is required, and randomly heads back toward DUMBO. Vanessa, I don't even know what she's up to at this point, just staring into space and wishing that Dan would love her and not everybody else. Juliet tells Ben about how she may or may not have murdered Serena, and instead of giving her a chaste kiss on the forehead he points out that she is FUBAR and the last tiny little piece of her mind goes pop: "If there is a line that you wouldn't have crossed," she hisses, "You should've told me before I lost everything. Including my marbles."

In Chuck's limo Blair is only too happy to paw at him like the Replacement Serena she's made of him this week. "You know, I'd never even been to Brooklyn until Serena met Dan Humphrey. Now I know the drive way too well." Since she's missed her flight, would Chuck like to come back to her house and paint their toenails together and watch some MGM musicals Dorota downloaded and generally get working on once again breaking down Blair's brittle convictions? Chuck says: No. He involved himself in this storyline because of his sister, not because he wants to be her gay best friend, and B feels that. She also feels like maybe her Strong Woman speech last week was a bit premature, seeing as how Chuck's the only other person she can even tolerate.

Chuck tells Blair in no uncertain terms that he agrees with the Strong Woman speech and that he is also bent on becoming a Strong Woman and that they need to not be BFFs right now because A) It will ruin this new plan and B) It is terribly hard on his heart. Sweetly, he admits there was an upside because he got to spend time with Blair, which is great.

Eminem sings some more, and it's totally stupid because he's a fifty-year-old man still bitching about Tom Green and Kim Kardashian and other concerns of his home century, but see also it's a transition to the jailhouse, where Juliet -- referred to as a "bloodsucking succubus" by the extradiagetic Slim Shady -- is leaving just a trail of those marbles as she leaves, ditching her Visitor Badge forever, and where also the Captain and Anne are making up, previous to Vanderbilt Mansion Thanksgiving. I wish we got to see Grandfather deal with that bullshit. "Wait, you're back with that motherfucker? Tripp, take your aunt out on the lake and don't come back until she's fixed." At some point in all this, Jenny finds Juliet's apartment totally empty except for the Serena Mask that Juliet has left in the middle of the room for some reason. Jenny's brain starts working, which is always a good sign because she's got the only one.

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Gossip Girl




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