Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
If I Ever Feel Better

...Chuck gets a room service cart delivered to his suite at the Empire, and this really kind of got to me on several levels: The Harold Pie of Thanks, Blair's biggest food symbolism thing, with a note. And the note says, "Just because we can't be friends doesn't mean we aren't." Which is just the greatest thing. And Charles agrees, with tears in his eyes...

...Vanessa gets an AWESOME text from Jenny ("I told Blair everything. Good luck lying your way out of this one.") and caught between shame and the pants-pissing fear of Blair's rage, she runs away to the commune once again. Their standards are so low they'll take anybody, even her. (I kid, because actually this is a very good actor and you are totally on her side when she blasts "Oh man I gotta GTFO" across her face like the Shirt-Tails.) But maybe it will be like the old good Wicker Man and they'll chase her around in animal masks and set her on fire and watch her burn and give some damn thanks. Or, in protest of the imperialist horrors of this holiday, they will dress up like pilgrims and hunt her through the woods and give her diseases. I'm guessing though that what they're really going to is make her feel free-range and fancy-free, they're gonna mortar-and-pestle some maize for making into a pretend turkey, and they're gonna pet their real, ugly turkeys on the head and sing them little songs, and they're gonna do whatever else is just hateful...

...The van der Humps meet for a replay of that wonderful Thanksgiving where they ate at the diner, bringing french fries to the Bell Jar and pretending everything's okay. I still cannot believe that Rufus got away with the whole, "I'm a good parent and you're not, and yet our kids suck equally." I would have fucking punched him so hard. I would have spit in his trophy wife face. "Okay but your daughter literally dresses up as my daughter, on the reg, and your son is willing to commandeer an airplane or submarine to get her to kiss him, so either way I think my kids win. Have you met Eric? He's twice the man of anybody else on this show even when he's bitching out. My kid the rapist is still cooler than all your kids put together even including that caveman who haunts your house. And whadda you got? Fucking stalker-killer Inspektor Pilot, a Hunter Thompson wannabe, and To Write Love On Her Arms. Boom. Now get down there and lick mama's shoes, because you have been naughty today. Very naughty indeed..."

...And finally and most beautifully -- a stifled scream, a blinked-back tear perhaps, from this guy over here -- a stranger walks into DUMBO, where Dan is apparently not having sad mental institution Thanksgiving with the rest of those geezers. Who is it? Is it Vanessa? For it is always Vanessa. But soft, this time it is not. It is Blair Waldorf, queenly and apologetic. She was on the wrong side the whole time, betting on Lily when clearly Serena was in the right. She voted against Dan on multiple occasions, despite the furious love of Miss S that lashes them together so violently. So what else can she do, besides conscript him -- this enemy, this disdained thing, this other self, this brother -- into the worst fucking ass-kicking of Juliet's life?

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Gossip Girl




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