I think this is the first dream of Serena's we've ever seen? Anyway, she's Marilyn, surrounded by dancing fellas -- Louis actually has a skill! -- before Audrey/Blair arrives to abscond with the only one she ever really wanted. Serena wears like five layers when she sleeps. Anyway, it's the morning of Blair's wedding and Serena couldn't be more supportive. Especially after a dream like that.
Meanwhile, many things are happening: Dan is somehow the Best Man all of a sudden. Georgina Sparks dresses up like the leader of Ozma's Army and brings her pet husband along to ruin the wedding. And at the Empire, Chuck reveals his plan was always to double-cross Father Cavalli with Montezuma's Revenge so he can't interrupt Blair's perfect day.
Oh, and Nate has become entranced with Lola Rhodes completely by coincidence, which makes total sense because she's Serena's trashier but nearly identical cousin and so probably I figure he was always going to be in love with her, and just got confused by Serena into thinking it was Serena he was after. You know, like how Taylor Lautner wants to fuck that baby.
Once everybody gets to the church, somehow everybody decides that it's a horrible decision to go through with the wedding, independently of each other, and Eleanor fetches Chuck to stop it. Georgina secretly tapes Blair's admission of her love for him and somehow it is posted to Gossip Girl just as they're about to say their vows, so everybody takes five to regroup and Serena explains to Chuck about Blair's insane pact with God. (Serena's having one of her lucid days, and even explains to Dan that she's in love with him and acknowledges that he, in turn, is in love with Blair.) But not even Chuck joining the chorus of explaining to Blair why she is crazy can help, so they end up going through with the wedding -- complete with bride sweetly escorted by both Cyrus and Harold, and the horrified mothers standing by in agony.
But how can this be? Not even Louis could overlook something like a Gossip Girl blast in the middle of his wedding, right, of Blair on video in her wedding dress pledging eternal love to Chuck. Well, and you'd be right. If you've ever seen Gigi, you knew this would end up in prostitution, and that's what happens: He explains to her, during their first couples' dance, that he suddenly hates her now and will be using her as a prop and brood mare and nothing more until such time as he tires of her. (Or dies of tuberculosis, one.) Oh, and one more thing: That Dan was the one who wrote those beautiful vows.
Highlights: Well, watching Lily chase Georgina around the church for most of the episode and yet never actually stop her from causing mayhem. That was good. And there's the ending of course: The very second Blair can get away from her scary, evil prince, Blair runs out in her dress, calling for a knight to come save her. And it's not Chuck she calls, and it's not Chuck that chauffeurs her away into the night. And that's what you call the long game. And it is excellent.
But so, you're asking, if none of the NJBC uploaded that video to GG -- and leaving aside the fact that apparently even the Crown Heads of Europe receive GG blasts in the middle of weddings -- then who was it? Why, none other than Georgina herself, or as we've come to know her: GOSSIP GIRL.
Next week, presumably: We find out that Georgina is not actually Gossip Girl but does have three more episodes of anarchic bullshit in her, Dan returns Blair to wherever he found her, Nate unwittingly stumbles over yet more obvious evidence that Lola is The Real Charlie, and Serena goes into complete champagne denial about everything that happened in this episode.
Check out this Gossip Girl relationship supercut, courtesy of Hulu's The Morning After Show:
Serena enjoyed playing pretend so much more than real life that she suckered Dan into dating her for the long term. Blair's mind has been permanently misplaced and she's decided to marry Prince Grimaldi despite his lack of a personality/chronic aphasia. The real Charlie Rhodes is all of a sudden running into motherfuckers all over town. An evil Grand Vizier got some Botox and lured Chuck into a trap that would wreck tonight's wedding for good. Oh, and Gossip Girl vanished from our lives, which...
GG: "Wakey-wakey, Upper East Siders! Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite. It seems like today is a big day for everyone, but none so much as me!"
...So I guess she turned out okay, or something. But if nobody is sending her tips, and nobody is going to her website, and Serena is still mucking about with whatever it is that she and Nate do all day, what does she mean? Perhaps she will explain how this came to be. Or perhaps, just maybe, everything she says will make zero drunken sense, as usual.
(Spoiler: It is both.)
Serena is Marilyn Monroe in a performance of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend," which all the men in the cast take quite seriously. Particularly Prince Louis, who -- as the best dancer -- may actually have a skill or talent at something. So S is lip-synching to the thing, and it's "Material Girl" if you don't know what the deal is, down the stairs and all the tux dudes wobbling back and forth, and then whom should come out onto the landing but Blair -- because that's 98% of what she does these days, come out onto the landing and stare down at you like a psycho and then be like, "I love you but I can never be with you because I had a psychotic break!" And then run off into the night -- dressed as, of course, Audrey Hepburn, and what is she wearing but the iconic Tiffany's outfit, and why she is wearing it is because Marilyn was originally going to be in that movie, and what she is doing is luring Daniel Humphrey up the stairs and away from S.
Suddenly S wants Dan very bad, and pulls him back to her, but then the second she has him she gets distracted by diamonds and her boobs -- a girl's best friends, especially somebody built like the brick house that Serena is -- and then Dan breaks away for good. Which, I mean, surprise: Serena dreams in very literal terms about what is actually going on. Girlfriend has no time for metaphors.