Serena enjoyed playing pretend so much more than real life that she suckered Dan into dating her for the long term. Blair's mind has been permanently misplaced and she's decided to marry Prince Grimaldi despite his lack of a personality/chronic aphasia. The real Charlie Rhodes is all of a sudden running into motherfuckers all over town. An evil Grand Vizier got some Botox and lured Chuck into a trap that would wreck tonight's wedding for good. Oh, and Gossip Girl vanished from our lives, which...
GG: "Wakey-wakey, Upper East Siders! Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite. It seems like today is a big day for everyone, but none so much as me!"
...So I guess she turned out okay, or something. But if nobody is sending her tips, and nobody is going to her website, and Serena is still mucking about with whatever it is that she and Nate do all day, what does she mean? Perhaps she will explain how this came to be. Or perhaps, just maybe, everything she says will make zero drunken sense, as usual.
(Spoiler: It is both.)
Serena is Marilyn Monroe in a performance of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend," which all the men in the cast take quite seriously. Particularly Prince Louis, who -- as the best dancer -- may actually have a skill or talent at something. So S is lip-synching to the thing, and it's "Material Girl" if you don't know what the deal is, down the stairs and all the tux dudes wobbling back and forth, and then whom should come out onto the landing but Blair -- because that's 98% of what she does these days, come out onto the landing and stare down at you like a psycho and then be like, "I love you but I can never be with you because I had a psychotic break!" And then run off into the night -- dressed as, of course, Audrey Hepburn, and what is she wearing but the iconic Tiffany's outfit, and why she is wearing it is because Marilyn was originally going to be in that movie, and what she is doing is luring Daniel Humphrey up the stairs and away from S.
Suddenly S wants Dan very bad, and pulls him back to her, but then the second she has him she gets distracted by diamonds and her boobs -- a girl's best friends, especially somebody built like the brick house that Serena is -- and then Dan breaks away for good. Which, I mean, surprise: Serena dreams in very literal terms about what is actually going on. Girlfriend has no time for metaphors.