Gossip Girl
G.G.

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Sale Of The Century

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Father Cavallia, we are not gay together. Even though you look like a gay porn star, or somebody from The Bold & The Beautiful ca. 1992, which is basically the same thing."
Cavallia: "Put on this altarboy's outfit."
Chuck: "What did I just say? Have some ice water and explain your ridiculous evil scheme to me like a Bond villain."
Cavallia: "We poison the priest that Dan and Blair have decided to visit to encourage Blair's mental illness. Then Sophie will ask me to perform the ceremony instead..."
Chuck: "-- Have some more of this refreshing ice-cold water with lemon slices floating in it to remove the taste of bacteria."
Cavallia: "...Don't mind if I do. It sure is refreshing! Anyway, instead of acting like a priest, I will tell everybody that Blair is in love with you. This will shock the shit out of everybody."
Chuck: "No doubt! Go on."
Cavallia: "And then you will have your insane lunatic bride, and I will continue to be the poor man's Jeremy Irons."
Chuck: "Your throat must be parched after all our evil scheming. Please have yet more of this delicious water that tastes just like regular old water."
Cavallia: "For such a sneaky person, that can do accents of different priests, I sure don't see what you are up to."

BREAKFAST

Serena comes out of the upstairs suites and stops on the landing like she's B. Louis stares up at her like he's done enough meth to see God, and opens that nasty smacking mouth of his to say some gross words in his gross way. It's unbelievable, because nobody would ever say this, ever, but at least it wasn't just one slithy blur this time.

Louis: "Oh, Serena. I am so nervous. Can you believe it? She's marrying me. I'm the luckiest man in the world!"
Serena/Everybody On Earth: "Ugh."

Dorota: "No worry for Miss Serena no sir! One day you love you somebody too just like that too."
Serena: "I don't ever want anybody to love me like that. People should not love each other like that. It is gross. And PS, what the fuck is wrong with this kid that after successfully finding Blair cheating on him for twelve episodes running, not to mention since his ass showed up last year, he has the unmitigated balls to pretend that he's happy about any of this. Is he retarded? Is this an inbreeding thing? What sort of self-respecting man -- no! -- what sort of self-respecting human could overlook the obvious signs that Dan is just not that into me? Uh, I mean, him. That Blair's not that into him. Ahem."

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Gossip Girl

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