Gossip Girl
G.G.

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Sale Of The Century

INSIDE

Blair: "This shitty trap I laid for myself for no reason is really getting weird, huh?"
Serena: "This is going to be the best day of your life!"
Blair: "Really?"
Serena: "Absolutely not! Do you have amnesia of this show?"

GEORGINA

Walking her whupped husband and baby Milo, who is the same age he was when he was born even though that was about eight years ago, and bitching about the attention Blair's getting from the media. She does this dressed like a majorette, because Georgina is now and has been since Milo an attempt at camp and easy laughs, rather than a human being of any kind.

She runs alliteratively through all the shit B has done to her -- "remanded to rehab, banished from Bible camp, and abandoned in Belarus!" -- and then her soggy husband is like, "Not even you could ruin the wedding of the century!" And she's like, "That's hilarious you would call it that. Also, let's go find Chuck. He seems like a wedding crasher kind of person."

EMPIRE

Cavallia: "I am about to shit everything that has ever gone into my body."
Chuck: "Yeah, that's because I keep Mexican tap water around for priests."
Cavallia: "But we were going to ruin the wedding! And can I please use your WC?"
Chuck: "No. You are not allowed to use my bathroom. Go into Manhattan."
Cavallia: "Like your housekeeping department doesn't already hate you."

Georgina somehow just walks the fuck on into Chuck's apartment and overhears:

Chuck: "I can't allow you to destroy Blair's wedding! You think because I love her, I want her all to myself, but I'm not that man anymore. I just want her to be happy! And if marrying Louis will do that for her, then that's what's going to happen!"

Cavallia penguins toward the elevator, where he is priestnapped by Georgina, one supposes out of his desperation and also the fact that she is dressed like somebody from Dune might be throwing him off. Ah, Georgina, the Special Guest Star Heather Locklear of the Upper East Side, reduced to running around town with a shitting priest while dressed like Auntie Mame and saying shit like, "Bless us, Father. I have a feeling we're about to sin!" Sigh. It's somebody's sense of humor, no doubt, but it certainly isn't mine. I think we've established that. Nor this:

PRÊT-À-POTTY

Which is what the portajohns in Manhattan are called. I think this is generational, this disconnect. I just don't get why that's funny. Always with the Bruce Vilanch on this show. Anyway, she gives him some kind of black-market nausea pills that explain a lot about Milo -- "Just don't take them with vodka, learned the hard way" -- and finally Cavallia asks her who the hell she is. Being Georgina, she doesn't feel like just answering the question, so they take the long way around a conversation about how they both just want to ruin this wedding: He, because he's part of a royal dynastic power hierarchy threatened by Blair's mental illness, and she because... She's a bitch, I guess?

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Gossip Girl

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