Monica: "We are here because I'm sorry about how mean I was to her, just for fucking my boyfriend in public!"
Rachel: "Just like my nemesis Gossip Girl this season, she is full of secrets."
Chandler: "You know what's not secret? I am a perv."
Phoebe: "So many secrets you could write a book, in fact."
Ross: "I did write a book about it! And I'm going to write another one that is the same book!"
Barry Watson: "Sabrina and I are still at that stage in dating where I have to be nice, no matter how repulsive you are. So... The more the merrier! At this event that's still very vague for purposes of upcoming hilarity."
Sabrina, hissing: "One drink and GTFO. I won't have you ruining this precious, weirdly vague event."
Rufus: "I know I'm not exactly a welcome houseguest these days, but we shouldn't let our recent history overshadow our past."
Lily: "Okay. But how about we do let common etiquette overshadow your rude ass just walking the fuck up in here without pretext or prelude."
Rufus: "Just tell me your problems, and how I can wade in to make them worse."
Lily: "Well, I'm starting to feel weird about ignoring my unstable daughter all summer. What with her being a homeless hobo-fucking drug addict and all. I mean, what if there was important mail in that pile as tall as a man? I think there were leftover waffles under all that shit. Possibly Jenny or Eric could be in there somewhere."
Rufus: "The important thing is that no matter how much of a trainwreck our children turn out to be, separately and as a group, none of it is our fault."
Lily: "The fuck?"
Rufus: "That's what you told me, back when I threw Jenny out of my house for no reason."
Lily: "You understand that I'm drunk much of the time, correct? You really shouldn't base your parenting on the shit I say."
Rufus: "We raised good girls, Lily. You and me. Together. As lovers."
Lily: "Jenny Humphrey? Is the worst. She's so awful that she used to regularly warp the show around herself like a visit from the Elder Gods of the Lovecraft pantheon. And Serena van der Woodsen? That ho killed a dude during an orgy, okay. She summoned wolves to kill a Congressman. She managed to take down Cousin Ben's entire family, turning his sister into some kind of Phantom of the Opera. And let's not even start on the little shit she drove your son to become. And that's just two of our hundred kids. They still haven't found Pilot Inspektor's body, Eric tried to kill himself a dozen times, and Blair Waldorf has been insane for no little time now."
Rufus: "I mean, you have to account for the fact that they're women and adjust your standards appropriately, but..."
Lily: "-- So what brings you here today, Rufus? Explaining why you're shacked up with that Ivy trash, maybe?"