A poignant tapping sound -- not quite a slap -- followed by a disheartened murmur: "C'mon, li'l guy." The exuberant titter of youth fading to a sustained and sympathetic aww.

God, what Ivy in bed must sound like. A cemetery gate at dusk, rusty hinge swinging free in a brisk and desolate wind.

Dan creeps silently out the way he came, dropping marbles and a dopp kit as he goes. What is seen cannot be unseen.

"What's my name? Say my name!"
"Charlie? Uh, Charlotte! Vanessa!"
"Say my name, bitch!"
"Ivy!"
"Say it!"
"Serena! Serena, oh God! Just let go of those! Waffles. Waffles!"

NEXT WEEK

Joe Lazarov directs as Serena takes to the Board of the Central Park Conservancy for -- get this -- a big party, while Barry Watson and "Sage" both turn out to have age-appropriate secrets of their own. Blair suddenly has a fashion line, and one of her past rivals turns up with a new trick. Chuck and the dead chick from Lost try to find out that thing that they don't know what it is, risking Lily's "happiness" in the process. And I'm guessing Dan throws in the towel and checks into the newly christened (and now strangely apropos) Pedowitz Institute.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.