Dan comes out of class and sees all his shit on the ground outside his locker; Blair fully kicks a book away from his hands, just as driveby bitchery, and keeps walking. Jack calls and says he wants to bone her, and she threatens to hang up, but he's all, "We should throw Chuck a party." B points out that this is incredibly tasteless, but he spins a yarn about how he feels guilty about the pants-shitting tantrum he threw at the lawyer thing, and then plays the "you know Chuck better than anybody" card, and she flips over for it because that's her kryptonite. "Fine. Brunch tomorrow, at the Palace." He hangs up, and the trap is set. He's so awful and yet so awesome.

Lawyer Guy: I found the adoptive parents of Pilot Inspektor.
R: awesome!
Lawyer Guy: Except they said no, and they hate you.
R: not awesome!
L: awesome! we done here?
Lawyer Guy: With a closed adoption, the only way the birth parents can track down and contact their child is if he registers with a search service. Your son has not done this. In the olden days we would call this "Providence."
R: noo! this is all about me as usual!
L: no its not, stop being a baby
R: i will hold my breath until i turn blue
L: great

R: listen, how do u feel about being pathetic?
Lawyer Guy: I'm listening.
R: could you beg more and talk about how i am prepared to whine forever and ever?
Lawyer Guy: ok
L: fucking great

In the hallway -- where once again Serena is roaming the halls at her leisure because she has no classes to go to, ever -- S points out that B is going Chuckwild again, and she's like, "No, we're just friends and I have to be a good friend to him like you told me." S is stymied, and then GG gives a new report. B asks what's going on with Dan cheating and GG being obsessed about it, "Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey, no offense." Serena reads the blast aloud, cheating us of a precious GGVO: "Nothing yet on Lonelyboy, but we did find out he brown bags it for lunch. And today's plat du jour? A tuna sandwich. Disgusting, but not enough for a conviction. Keep digging, kiddies." Blair awesomely goes, "Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?" And S is like, "How did this happen this time?" The Plastics grin at them spookily, and S sighs, and B couldn't care less: "It's so hard finding obedient minions. But right now I have to go get ready for my absolutely nonromantic dinner with Chuck. Ta." S watches the Plastics grinning and thinks about God knows what she's ever thinking about. Collective ownership of the means of production. That song from The Neverending Story. Cantaloupe.