Gossip Girl
Gone With The Will

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Son That Went Missing
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's the ever-so-crunchy opening of the Faint's "Mirror Error," playing over Chuck dressing for his possibly non-suicidal new lifestyle as a young CEO. He's wearing a red tie, that matches perfectly the one Bart's wearing in his portrait on the dresser. "When most people lose a parent," Gossip Girl explains, "They inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, Death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining... Or a gold one, if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals." I was so obsessed with "Glass Danse" by this band for so very long. That was a weird time in my life. I got over it once I realized he was saying "I call them bodies but/ They are attentive too." I thought he was saying, "I call them bodies but/ They are intentions." As though that somehow makes sense in a way that the actual line does not.

Anyway, and so what about this weird time in Blair's life? Still very close to the vest, her horrible weird secrets, as Jack's climbing out of the limo, smiling proud and walking tall, ready for the next part of his life to commence; Blair explains she's there for moral support, and Jack's like, "Yeah, like for his money," and of course B notes how tasteless he is, and Jack's all "Let's go out and party! I'm thirtysomething and you're a bulimic teenage child, it's perfect!" B tells him to eat a dick and he implies that I still don't know what he's implying and threatens to tell Chuck the whatever it is and then Chuck walks up and Jack exposits that their plan is for Chuck to have money (to the billion dollar tune) and Jack to get the reins to the company. Chuck assumes that there will be so many strings attached that he'll look "like a marionette" or -- knowing Bart, and this show -- one of those people right after they solve the Lament Configuration but right before they realize they fucked up. Blair's very moist and dewy and whatevs and then Nate comes running up out of nowhere. Which is sweet, I guess, and Chuck just about falls down on the ground with vapors and joy and the sudden inrush of blood from one part of him to another, if you know what I mean and I think that you do, but it's Nate. Prostitution is in his software.

If it were anybody else besides Nate Archibald being all, "I haven't been on this show in fifty episodes but my BF(F)'s dad's will is being read? I'll take the train from Brooklyn for that," you would think they were being whores, but because Nate is so sweet and Chuck loves him so much, it's just like, "Why does he need a hundred people with him for the least stressful part of mourning?" Yeah, when you were jumping off roofs and shit we were all too happy to make creepy fucking/barfing/threesome jokes and line up to blow your uncle or whatever it was, and then when you disappeared to Thailand, a place where if you make it out of the airport with both kidneys I feel like you deserve a medal, we were like, "It's Chuck, tie perfectly knotted and so on," but whoa. Now that you have to sign your name in the presence of a notary republic, I'll be right here with some Kleenex and valium and Dr. Phil for you.

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