Chuck finally pulls himself together, mostly, in time for the reading of the will. Lily receives some huge portion of the Bassets, Uncle Jack gets a fair amount of his own, and Chuck inherits a majority share of Bass Industries. Chuck first blows the whole thing off and hands it over to Jack, but a few helpful words from stalwart Blair, and a loving letter from beyond the grave, gives him a moment of self-confidence and he takes it back.
Jack goes fairly nuts about this, because he is scary as hell (in case last week's episode, in which he did everything but personally toss poor Chuck over edges both metaphoric and concrete, didn't make this abundantly clear), but eventually ropes Blair into throwing Chuck a celebratory brunch with the Bass Industries board, which Jack then ruins by tempting Chuck into a night of hos and llello, invokes a morality clause, and gets himself put in charge. Then Blair, scorned for randoms and gonorrhea carriers, dumps him, going so far as to throw his bouquet at his feet. So Chuck's still doing great.
Lily and Rufus spend the entire episode alternately fighting and making love while they run up against many an obstacle to their search for their mysterious baby, Pilot Inspektor. While the adoptive family first tells them to go hang, the babydaddy eventually meets with them secretly and tells them the horribly sad story of how Pilot Inspektor was killed in a tragic jet ski accident.
Of course, the real clincher is that this is a lie, and Pilot Inspektor is actually their other son, who lived. The reason for this subterfuge is that having lost one son to watersports, they don't want to lose a second to all the money and legal counsel at Lily's disposal. I would call these people prudent, except they don't even know about the horrors of Lily and Rufus's parenting, so it's more like they're just plot devices.
Meanwhile, the Plastics overhear Dan freaking out about how he can't tell girlfriend Serena about their brother, and put out an APB over at Gossip Girl for the dirt. Serena gives this huge scandalous secret -- GG thinks Dan might be cheating -- about the same amount of attention she gives anything else in this world that isn't Serena van der Woodsen, which is to say minimal, although she does make it all the way to Brooklyn so she can get lied to about it by Vanessa Abrams. However, it's the now constantly scheming Nelly Yuki that breaks the story, after stealing Lonelyboy's phone literally out of his pocket. Nice one, Nelly Yuki. I really hope she's Queen by the end of January, because she's got a learning curve on her and I like it.
Serena freaks out about their brother and Dan's total lying obfuscation for about three seconds, then gets over it because it's actually not that big a deal. She and Dan have a very funny conversation about how skeevy stepbrother-fucking has a long and lovely literary legacy, which sort of tells us they're going to be all right.
Even as Blair, Jack and Chuck are descending into some unimaginable hell -- and I'll remind you we still don’t know what happened New Year's Eve! -- everywhere else is Cuteness Central. Nate -- who starts the episode getting blown kisses by Uncle Jack, weirdly/characteristically for him -- randomly gives Dan the most brilliantly sweet-hearted speech about how much he misses his friendship and loves him, and Dan forgives him for closed-mouth kissing his little sister a couple of times one million years ago. Meanwhile, Jenny and Eric have a tiny, dumb little spat about her friendlessness/need to third-wheel him and Jonathan, but quickly make up in the most adorable fashion possible.
And when Rufus and Lily return home, agreeing that the death of Pilot Inspektor is a sign they shouldn't be together and will never be a family, they open the door on their four children, cute as buttons and playing boardgames, having obviously constructed this family for themselves under their noses a long time ago. To be honest, for a second it felt like Chrismukkah, and that's a very good thing. XOXO.
It's the ever-so-crunchy opening of the Faint's "Mirror Error," playing over Chuck dressing for his possibly non-suicidal new lifestyle as a young CEO. He's wearing a red tie, that matches perfectly the one Bart's wearing in his portrait on the dresser. "When most people lose a parent," Gossip Girl explains, "They inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, Death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining... Or a gold one, if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals." I was so obsessed with "Glass Danse" by this band for so very long. That was a weird time in my life. I got over it once I realized he was saying "I call them bodies but/ They are attentive too." I thought he was saying, "I call them bodies but/ They are intentions." As though that somehow makes sense in a way that the actual line does not.
Anyway, and so what about this weird time in Blair's life? Still very close to the vest, her horrible weird secrets, as Jack's climbing out of the limo, smiling proud and walking tall, ready for the next part of his life to commence; Blair explains she's there for moral support, and Jack's like, "Yeah, like for his money," and of course B notes how tasteless he is, and Jack's all "Let's go out and party! I'm thirtysomething and you're a bulimic teenage child, it's perfect!" B tells him to eat a dick and he implies that I still don't know what he's implying and threatens to tell Chuck the whatever it is and then Chuck walks up and Jack exposits that their plan is for Chuck to have money (to the billion dollar tune) and Jack to get the reins to the company. Chuck assumes that there will be so many strings attached that he'll look "like a marionette" or -- knowing Bart, and this show -- one of those people right after they solve the Lament Configuration but right before they realize they fucked up. Blair's very moist and dewy and whatevs and then Nate comes running up out of nowhere. Which is sweet, I guess, and Chuck just about falls down on the ground with vapors and joy and the sudden inrush of blood from one part of him to another, if you know what I mean and I think that you do, but it's Nate. Prostitution is in his software.
If it were anybody else besides Nate Archibald being all, "I haven't been on this show in fifty episodes but my BF(F)'s dad's will is being read? I'll take the train from Brooklyn for that," you would think they were being whores, but because Nate is so sweet and Chuck loves him so much, it's just like, "Why does he need a hundred people with him for the least stressful part of mourning?" Yeah, when you were jumping off roofs and shit we were all too happy to make creepy fucking/barfing/threesome jokes and line up to blow your uncle or whatever it was, and then when you disappeared to Thailand, a place where if you make it out of the airport with both kidneys I feel like you deserve a medal, we were like, "It's Chuck, tie perfectly knotted and so on," but whoa. Now that you have to sign your name in the presence of a notary republic, I'll be right here with some Kleenex and valium and Dr. Phil for you.