Dan and Serena babble good-naturedly at each other about how crazy Blair is, specifically the reserved éclairs, and they smile about how nice it was of D to come to the brunch, and then all the phones in the Upper East Side go off with the newest blast, and lo there is much mean grinning. Once again, Dan knows immediately that he's in trouble. If one rings, that's a phone call, but if more than one phone rings, GG is coming after his ass once again. "What now, people? It's not like I brought a tuna sandwich!" says Dan, raising the bar just a little bit on how awesome he can possibly be, but you can't even celebrate that because now all three of the other van der Humphries are wigging out and looking to Dan Humphrey of all people to fix it or stabilize them somehow. "Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonelyboy's secret is out, and this one's a doozy. D wasn't cheating, but there's definitely a third party involved. Seems D and S share a sibling! While I'm always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn't share DNA..."
FUCK YOU, Gossip Girl. Like it's not enough to have deranged permanently any concept we have of time or space, that you've actually made us think that you can walk from DUMBO to the Palace Hotel in a blizzard in the time it takes to smoke one cigarette, or that while my best friend is having breakfast in March I'm perfectly within my rights to be celebrating Bastille Day in Lyons which is in France only to in the very next scene walk into her living room wearing an evening gown, now you're going to fuck me up about basic genetics? Romeo and Juliet shared MORE DNA than Dan and Serena, you motherfucker, and if Lily and Rufus survive to spawn ONE THOUSAND children, none of them will make Dan and Serena ANY MORE RELATED than they are RIGHT NOW, which is ZERO. A ZERO TO THE POWER OF ZERO AMOUNT OF RELATED. GOD.
Greycoats: Here is a wonderful song called "Watchmen, What Is Left Of The Night?" by the Greycoats. Give us some money for being awesome.
N: i dont rly know whats going on but i am really sad
J: this doesnt affect me in any way but everybody else is sad so whatever
E: our parents are so fucked up that it hurts my heart
D: low of 45 in here and slim to no chance of more blowjobs at this point
S: i can totally figre this out hold on ok it's up down up down left right left right abab ... wait, no.
S: wiat ok negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four ac over 2a. So that means we are related i think. nice one girl. lol
D: hope i dont throw up on Serena
S: i gotta get out of here b4 he barfs brother barf on me