Gossip Girl
Gone With The Will

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Son That Went Missing

The lawyer's like, "I would think it was weird that Lily's not here for Bart's will reading, but I read on Gossip Matron that L's whoring it up in Boston with Lonelyrocker, and the entire UES already knows that L never cared about Bart Bass, so oh snap, but anyway sorry your Dad died. Jack will be your legal guardian, okay?" Without looking at each other, Jack and Chuck grin hugely into the carpet and talk at each other from the sides of their mouths and it is adorable: "Curfew?" None. "Girls sleeping over?" Yes, please. They smirk and the lawyer's like, "It's amazing what men can get up to, and nobody ever has to know." So Bass's personal fortune is going into a trust for Chuck on his eighteenth (Which should be soon, no? Wouldn't it be funny if he was just like precocious and actually a third grader with a giant face?), 29% of Bass Industries sat with the board -- whom we'll meet soon, and what a carnival of enjoyment they are -- and 20% goes to Lily! Which Jack helpfully explains leaves a controlling interest of 51%. Instead of explaining himself -- which is the entire point of this meeting, okay -- the lawyer instead hands Chuck a letter, and Chuck thinks for a second and then he's like "If I don't read it I still get all that stuff?" and the lawyer says yes, and Chuck bounces, and Jack grabs it nastily out of the lawyer's hands and follows him out into the foyer.

Doesn't this shit make you want to plan for your funeral right away and give your lawyer bizarrely detailed and drama-queeny instructions like, "At that point, instead of saying the 51% goes to Chuck, hand him this letter. If it's sunny outside, walk to the window and look pensive first, but if it's gloomy just sit there silently for a while until they're both uncomfortable and then give him this letter. Then mail out these sixteen invitations to come live in this highrise apartment building on the outskirts of town and compete for my fortune -- even though I'm not dead and I am actually you, in disguise, and two other people who are also in disguise -- and then make the sixteen people team up with random each others that they've never met and put together clues and then eventually they will all be destroyed except the intensely awesome rockstar-fabulous Tabitha Ruth Wexler."

So Chuck comes running out into the foyer, and B has to do the old, "I was just standing incredibly near this door for no reason! Hi! Hi there! Leaning on an imaginary wall! Scratching underneath my headband lackadaisically! Trying to think of the capital of Norway, do you know it?"

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