Gossip Girl
Gone With The Will

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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The Son That Went Missing

Eric's voting lunch lady at this point. He's tried to do dinner with Jonathan three times, and every time she showed up, and Serena pleads for sympathy and a grace period to find her social footing again. "But doesn't she understand the whole point of having a boyfriend is to be alone?" Eric asks, and Serena's like, "You have much to learn, Padawan, because most guys don't figure that one out for a long time." And even then it means, "Just you, me and the Wii equals a date. Basically, I'm inviting you on the date I'm already going on with Lego Star Wars." But wait wait, Lego Star Wars combines the most annoying things about both Legos and Star Wars. "You obviously don't understand the canon. See, it all starts on a little planet called Tatooine..."

Eric tosses some of that old-fashioned bullshitty empathy back in her face, pointing out that Dan has issues they actually know about, whereas Jenny is just a roving freak. Serena's like, "Our assumption that his newfound weirdness arises from this show's very confused understanding of what incest actually means or how DNA works is not an issue, because our parents are not hooking up." They tell each other to be nice to their respective Humphreys, no matter how hard it is -- and it is fucking hard sometimes, you guys -- and Eric walks up to Jonathan and Jenny, who have settled on an Edith Head film festival. E stares, horrible, as Jonathan giggles: "She says Edith Head, I say Hitchcock. Same difference." OMG that is very real and relates painfully to my own high school experience, but not as much as Jenny raising her voice to that octave girls save for gay boys and squealing: "Oh, wait. Oh my gosh, oh, did you guys know that you have matching backpacks? That's so cute! Awww!"

(Ladies, let's talk about that shit. You need to cut it out. Across the board. Because something you might not understand -- and we love you, we do -- is that when you're gay twenty-four seven, it's not that novel. We're gay even when you're not around, and most of the time we don't think about it, because we are too busy being people just like you. So basically, it's not weird until you get weird about how not-weird it is. When you do the Awww thing, you're basically telling a fat girl she has a pretty face. She didn't ask, dude. "Aww, I'm so weirded out by your gayness that it has turned into not being weirded out at all, and now I have become a crazy-eyed fan of your gayness. Not where I can think about what it is that you actually do in bed, the revolutionary and awesome acts that you fellas get up to, because I am freaked out enough by my own body which is a territory closer to home if you see what I'm saying. But boys holding hands and kissing, like the little babies with just the rose colored in and everything else monochrome? Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Do you like shopping? I like shopping. Let's go shopping." Imagine an unscripted show where Asian geniuses teach white people how to do math and play the violin. Imagine making the horrified face Eric is making here, every day, inside where nobody can see it, ten times a day for the rest of your life.

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