Gossip Girl
Gone With The Will

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Son That Went Missing

S: Dan. Dan. Dan dnanndandnandan
D: o hey
S: stop avoiding me lol I asked mom if she + rufus = xoxo and she sad no
D: thats the only thing i was woorid about not not pilot pinspektor
S: who lol
D: so they arent doing it
S: she always tells us because we r so disfuncional lol
D: yikes my dad just spoons me unexpectedly
S: sarkozy was a bad kisser
D: i always wanted to kiss that ferench president so o well lol
D: brb

D: dad pls make this stop and lily call S right now ok
R: lol yur problems dont matter
D: i am going to thrw up
R: look lily has 2 sit and read a magazine instead of telling S right now
D: but its so sad to be me
R: lol like what else is new

D: ok pls make it stop
R: one day we will but probly after ur life is destryd
R: like probably 5 minutes after

D: everything is so unfair like this made up problem that is not actually a problem
R: trust me im making lily feel like a whore every chance i get
D: well good im going to do that with S some more bcause that is our whole rleatongship
R: I taught you well son
D: girls are bitchs
Everybody on Earth: Humphreys more so.

"Serena has a right to know what's going on," Dan says into the phone while the Plastics stare. Penelope and Iz are like OMG, and Nelly Yuki points out that they don't know the nature of the Gossip, just that it exists, and Pen tells her to fuck off and stop talking, and Iz complains that B's spending all her time with Chuck, and Penelope's like, "Yeah, I fucking hate that. She's a bitch." Isabel points out that Chuck's dad did die after all, and P goes, "Yeah, like a month ago." I love Crazy New Penelope so, so much. I love that they have personalities now, even if they're like Alvin Simon Theodore personalities, because most people are like that anyway. She sends GG a tip to put out an APB on Lonelyboy's biznatch and then for the rest of the episode they keep saying they put out a "hit" on him, and it's brilliant the first time, but then the fifth time you're like, "Not actually a term we youth people use, so really it's just like you're telling the same joke five times in an hour."

And even though it feels like an hour later, Blair is still booking it after Chuck screaming down the street like a lunatic, and he's wearing a very cute barbershop quartet jacket with wild piping. He says this is his Dad Ouija-fucking him from beyond the grave, and B wifeys it up about how this is the final thing that proves Bart was proud of him. "I know you can do this," she says, and it's very much like she's never believed anything quite this much, and it breaks through the ice. He looks at her, taking her temperature, and jumps off. "I wouldn't even know where to begin," he says, and she gives him the letter and tells him to read the whole thing, and she smiles to herself, because this is how it's going to work. Jack lurks exceedingly and thinks dark thoughts toward them.

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