Gossip Girl
Gone With The Will

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Son That Went Missing

Everybody at St. Judes is a thirty-year-old man pretending to be a high school student. Dan walks out in a clutch of them, and in the courtyard all the phones are bleeping and e-blasting, and all the people are grinning, and Dan's been through this moment so many times, hilariously, that he just rolls his eyes and books it out of there, because whatever comes next it's clearly going to involve his life becoming total shit, because it always does. "Is lowly Lonelyboy cheating on our queen? Sound unlikely? Does the name Georgina ring a bell?" Um, yeah. In my heart. "Get out your shovels and start digging the dirt, kids. Gossip Girl's gonna need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess."

Jack's sitting behind Bart's desk in his office with a giant power boner when Chuck walks in and tosses the letter down: "If it wasn't [Weren't! The subjunctive is your friend!] notarized, I'd think it was a fake." He tries to be a man and tells Jack he appreciates how he flew to Thailand and saved him from suicide by heroin and hos, and Jack goes, "Well, you noticed that Thai waitress I was gonna take home the other night had a penis, so consider us even." Chuck grins, but this is hard: "Look... I've decided to follow my father's wishes and take over Bass Industries." Jack's face turns demonic with rage, and he shuts Chuck down immediately, pointing out that lots of money and no responsibility is better than being CEO, but B has talked Chuck into being a man and he's not interested in flaking out right now. Jack tells him it's not a whim thing and that he's not ready. Chuck stands up, because now it's a fight about to happen. "If you want to stay in New York, I'll find a place for you in the company. I know it's going to be a long road... But I'm ready now." Jack is so totally tense that not punching Chuck is now his main mission in life, and he just prissily throws a random file down on the table and stalks out, pouting like a kid and pointing at the desk, and Chuck sits down at the desk and gets very, very scared about being a man.

Dan comes out of class and sees all his shit on the ground outside his locker; Blair fully kicks a book away from his hands, just as driveby bitchery, and keeps walking. Jack calls and says he wants to bone her, and she threatens to hang up, but he's all, "We should throw Chuck a party." B points out that this is incredibly tasteless, but he spins a yarn about how he feels guilty about the pants-shitting tantrum he threw at the lawyer thing, and then plays the "you know Chuck better than anybody" card, and she flips over for it because that's her kryptonite. "Fine. Brunch tomorrow, at the Palace." He hangs up, and the trap is set. He's so awful and yet so awesome.

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Gossip Girl

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