Juliet pisses off Gossip Girl and her mysterious Ben-friend when a rumor about Serena's sexual health doesn't really connect in any meaningful way. It causes a bunch of damn strife with Dan and Vanessa, but what doesn't, and as if Serena cares if you call her a whore.
Nate is a little nervous about it, but that's only because he believes everything Juliet says, and he's only doing that because she's still holding out on him, and brother's about to lose it. Because, of course, she's still trying to believe that she's not really dating him, just using him in her crazy weird plan. Which this week twists and turns more chaotically than even a Blair Waldorf plan, as she has to keep accounting for weird variables like Vanessa Abrams and her horrible integrity, Chuck Bass's all-out assault on Blair's Columbia aspirations, and Serena's come-and-go mental acuity.
So once Juliet realizes that everybody kind of already assumed Serena was carrying "STD" (in the universe of the show, a Disease -- not unlike "cancer" -- which is Transmitted Sexually), and thus doesn't really care, she takes advantage of Serena's other problem: Her punctuality issue. This one is sort of hard to explain because it makes no sense, but apparently there is only one taxicab on the Upper East Side, and every time Serena tries to go to this one class, Sam Page (Joan's husband on Mad Men) shows up and steals the cab for his lady of the previous night. Every. Time: No cabs. So she's in danger of getting dropped from the class, because for serious this is what happens in the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.
In her attempts to get this professor's attention and explain her... taxicab issue... the entitled Miss van der Woodsen opens herself up to a huge new thing: Juliet gets Vanessa to steal S's phone and then uses it to text the teacher about maybe trading some sex for grades. It's believable, because she's spent the whole week running around in a bustier and shorts like she's in that movie where Xtina takes makeup tips from Cher and Channing Tatum, but the bottom line is that Serena is not actually expelled, but the Dean knows she's fishy. Vanessa is run out of town in shame despite not really doing much wrong, which is how we like it best.
Meanwhile, Chuck has drawn Blair into a land-war over this visiting professor by auditing the class, stealing B's minions and her spot as the teacher's assistant, and generally being one step ahead. The damage is limited, but there is an awesome sequence in Hamilton House where they start screaming in each other's faces about all the dirt they have on the prof, how far they were prepared to escalate, the nuclear options, etc. The professor finally quits due to them being crazy, so now the Dean has her eye on both our girls.
In the end Chuck proves evil/crazy enough that Blair is getting scared, and Serena's lost her suspicion of Juliet and is thus even more vulnerable to her dastardly plan, but at least has a new cad to focus on. And then Juliet's falling for Nate, given that she finally loses track of her con and sleeps with him despite her strange connection to Jailbird Ben, which doesn't bode well for Nathaniel but sure makes her a lot more interesting.
In two weeks: Chuck pulls some strings to get Little J an interview with Tim Gunn, and probably plans to detonate B's greatest shame at that point. Dan and Vanessa, something happens or doesn't happen there, maybe Rufus and Lily get involved or whatever, who cares. And presumably some Juliet-type shit happens to threaten the relationship between Serena and her new (hopefully Dan/Nate hybrid) boyfriend. All we really know for sure is that Juliet will be wearing taupe.
Serena loves school so much, you guys! She loves getting dressed for school and thinking about her class schedule and wandering aimlessly around the campus without a plan. But most of all, she loves that cab outside the Waldorf building. You know the one, the one taxicab that makes all the difference? No, silly, not the one in front of it. And not the one behind it! Not the towncar she could be taking all over the place, not the black car she could call before engaging in what must be hours of effort to get her hair so effortless après-sexe every morning. Just this one cab. And don't you know it's haunted by the ghost of a sexy little rapist soldier-doctor from 1961, and his sexy ways, so that every morning our darling S comes out of the building -- making "geek chic," as Gossip Girl so misguidedly tells us -- to go to her one class in this one cab, and there he is. Being cute. And a ghost from another time.
The ghost likes Serena's purse! She doesn't care. The ghost has a different girl every night and puts a different girl in the cab every morning. She doesn't care! Last night it was an actress, possibly to star in a movie about a talking dog, just like Little J. Serena doesn't care! He wants to buy her ghostly drinks like a Red Snapper at the ghostly King Cole Bar, and Serena says No! Because he still has the girl's magical shoes in his hands! She will be auditioning barefoot for the talking-dog movie... But S doesn't care! She loves being barefoot. The ghost offers S the girl's shoes and she tells him to take hike. Then S gets into another cab. A lesser cab for sure and one that may get her expelled, but it's a cab nonetheless. She is so annoyed she makes that fuck this face and ignores his giant dazzling smile. Mama's got places to be, pal!
"Indra Nooyi, Ann Moore, Andrea Jung." Blair's minions have created a system of color-coded binders -- businesswomen are in green, women in academia are in blue, politics and government in red, with a subsection on royalty and dictators -- the better for her to "forge" her "path to become one." I see Blair's back to talking like Serena wrote her dialogue again. Included in the red binder is Sarah Louise Palin, which causes Blair to abuse a minion, and then Serena appears and they have a conversation. It goes like this.
Serena says, "I need advice." Blair says, "What kind of advice?" Serena says, "The simple kind, like how do you know when to be places." Blair says, "I'm not sure I understand the question." Serena says, "Wait, what are we talking about?" Blair says, "The Art Of War and also ladies. A lady is coming to this school." Serena says, "I love that lady!" Blair nods condescendingly and ignores it, the world, everything. Slaps minion in the face. Serena says, "What about Chuck?" Blair says, "He is not part of my collegiate experience." Serena says, "But how do you know when to be places?"