So Serena immediately emailed the prof -- come 2 the hamton house party? im in that club lol plausibl denaibility -- and so everybody in the whole world is going to this exclusive location for an exclusive party that only three of them have any right to be at. Apparently the entire faculty will be there, rubbing bows with the kids, administrating staffing and class schedule decisions like you do at a party. Juliet was literally thrown out of Hamhocks by its board of regents for being super slimy, Dan Humphrey's cheekbones aside he has no business there, and Vanessa's just going to grunt and piss on everything about how just one of these hors d'oeuvres could feed a family in Haiti for like twenty years.
Vanessa steals Serena's purse without thinking twice and gets her phone out and hacks it and reads this, about which I am ever so fucking sure: "If Vanessa thinks something more than a kiss happened between us, even though it didn't, I need to show her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work." I write emails like that all the time and it never looks suspicious or like a lie. "Remember when we DIDN'T STEAL THAT MONEY?" Juliet totally drive-bys Vanessa on her way to getting the phone herself -- "You're not the only one with Serena insecurity!" -- and then makes Vanessa "stand guard" long enough for her to some terrible thing. Vanessa comes back and is like, "What should I do, now that I know that thing I already knew five times?"
Juliet's like, "Boys are dumb. Just fuck him and that will shut everybody up inside your mind." Vanessa's like, "I want to say something nice but I have never done that in life so this might come out weird but your hair is really hair-shaped? And you and Nate are a couple." Juliet's like, "That's right, we are..." And then the screen goes all wavy and her voice echoes and she realizes that not only is she about to cross the line and snort the heroin of Nate's insanely sick body, but that she wishes her fake life were her real life and she didn't always have to wear this one dress or always be on the phone with jail.
Vanessa and Dan have a stuttering stammering mumblefuck conversation that is stupider than that, and promise to go have some gross Brooklyn sex... Right after they load up their sweaters and little dump trucks full of rich people appetizers like the Clampetts, or the Palins.
Meanwhile, Blair wheels visiting lady and her visiting womb over to her assigned loneliness antidote application device, who turns out to be a lady herself. Blair gets very nervous because it's not the fat balding IP lawyer she ordered -- who "does pro bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas," come the mellifluous and mesmerizing tones of a truly musical writer -- and the lesbian flirts with visiting lady and Blair's like, "Oh shit," but then she's like, "You wanna give it a shot?" Because hey, why not. Once you've dated Chuck Bass, things like gender -- exchange of money, if it's their uncle, profession, age of consent: Petty things like that -- just don't seem to matter as much.