Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

"Okay, what's the B story, what happens with Blair in this episode? Blair and Chuck use somebody as a pawn and bring the fight to Columbia. But who?" Well, maybe like a super-strong woman. Martha Stewart, somebody awful like that. "Good call! I hate that cunt." And then What's the A story? "Oh, Serena's promiscuity." Those old chickens finally coming home to roost, huh? "Well, somebody's got to punish dirty girls like her. Having Blair call her a whore every single episode just isn't doing it for me anymore."

Yeah, I think this is a good mix for the episode, seeing as how they're both totally valid storylines that don't go together in any particularly horrifying way and teach good lessons to the demographic. Boring! So what will the guys do? "Awkward conversations about how real men don't hug each other. You know, somethin' for the straight guys in the audience." Are you as excited as I am by this episode, bro? "Yeah, dude! I can't wait for our Emmy."

Serena can't find her phone. Therefore, she did not send any dirty emails with it. The Dean is not convinced, because she doesn't know Serena that well so she doesn't understand that this actually is proof that Serena didn't do it, because that is a lot of complicated steps if she did. Including when she walked up to the Dean and teacher and was like, "Heard any good sex-emails-from-students jokes lately?" I mean, you would have to be a criminal mastermind to do that, and it still would not achieve any purpose.

Vanessa comes running up in full-tilt tattle mode just as the Dean is pissing off, and suddenly Juliet cockblocks her with a sudden call to Serena's phone... Which she has hidden in Vanessa's purse! YES! Karma always works pretty swiftly on this show, but I've noticed before that it never comes quite so quickly for anybody the way it does for Vanessa. She even thinks about snooping on a Humphrey: Hair on fire. She checks out Nate's ass while he's dating Serena: Hand chopped off. It's so beautiful.

So, so beautiful, at this moment. So you got Juliet smirking and already having made friends with dipshit Serena for today, because S only remembers the last thing that happened, and over here you got twitchin', bulgin' Vanessa trying to explain that Juliet is the bad guy even though she stole the phone and somehow ended up with it but please don't think that she was responsible for doing the exact same shit she always does, just a couple hours after dropping on Serena out of a tree and biting her arms and face.

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Gossip Girl

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