Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

"I wasn't gonna say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge, and I told her no," Juliet explains, and Nate totally backs her up on that, because she's been laying the foundation for this scheme all day long. Then Dan lines up to take turns slapping Vanessa with everybody else, and he's like, "You didn't want to just have sex, you were happy because you were getting S expelled!" Which, that one's a little weak, but it's worth it because they do that head-shaking judgment dance with each other again, and finally Dan's like, "You are worthless trash" and leaves. It means a lot to hear it, even coming from him.

Once everybody on the show has punched her in the nuts eleven times, Vanessa is left all alone and Juliet comes up and she's like, "Sorry I detonated your entire situation!" And V is like, "That was pretty fucked up, dude." And then I guess she threatens to kill Juliet. Which, on the one hand she's incompetent and distractable, so it's not that scary. But on the other hand she is malicious and has always been the worst person, ethically and in every other way, on this show, so... Kind of scary.

Like, she won't getcha the way she thinks she's gonna getcha -- snooping and then somehow out-Blairing Blair Waldorf, the poor pathetic dreamer -- but when her lack of grace results in you hanging off a roof ledge somewhere, she's the only person on this show that would just kick you the hell off. Yeah, she'd cry about it later and go around confessing to everybody, but what do you care at that point? You're dead. Kaput. A street pancake. Just another ghost, stealing Serena's taxicabs out from under her.

The Dean believes that Vanessa and not Serena sent the sexy email, but is worried about the level of "drama" that S brings to campus (and has "grown even louder since [S] arrived," if you want to document yet more of the base-level shit writing in this episode), because categorically, the Deans of Ivy League Universities are like so over drama.

"Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity and to be taken seriously, and your attitude, Ms. van der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that." This little speech about Serena's priorities is so vague she might as well not even have said it. My... "attitude"? The one where I was late to class and tried to talk to my professor about it? Yeah, that's a real blow to fuckin' feminism. I think, though, that by "attitude" the Dean actually means "rack." (In which case, this show is curdling faster than I thought. This episode, dude, bro, this episode is so nasty, but I'm loving this season so I'll step back from statements like that.) Dean's also keeping an eye on Blair, because of that time she... tried to set up a visiting teacher on a date and was defeated by a rotunda. The Dean leaves to let children make more of her decisions for her, at this party for children, and Serena and Blair have a conversation. It goes like this.

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Gossip Girl




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