Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

Instead of going out for a drink with Juliet and Nate -- surely a night to remember that would have been -- Serena finds herself drinking a Red Snapper at Nat King Cole's. And for the first time all week, she's right on time: Dr. Teeth shows up out of nowhere and he's like, "We're on a date now! Just like I predicted!" Serena pretends that's not exactly why she went there, but the bizarre coincidence doesn't faze either of them. The Red Snapper, she says, is "a Bloody Mary with an inferiority complex." Some weeks she mumbles and Blair spits out nastiness pitter-pat, and then other episodes she talks like this and Blair's making do with some kind of broken English, it's so weird.

Anyway, they flirt, whatever. He gets her to stay and they talk about the unlikely chance of escaping one's past vs. the joy of reveling in one's personal history. The same thing Serena always talks to strangers about, because this is an epiphany she has in all even-numbered episodes. Two episodes from now, I'm telling you, she's going to be whining about her inability to escape her past.

Meanwhile, GG is getting just punchy, "Little Orphan J" amounts of weird: "The Law of Affinity refers to unlikely compositions forming a bond through a purely chemical reaction! But even the strongest bonds have their limits! That if left unchecked! Explode like a nuclear bomb!"

See, it continues the theme from her earlier expository statements, when she was talking about chemistry... Wait, no she wasn't. No, she's just being weird. Anyway, Juliet is chattin' with Ben about the usual, threatening her and reiterating -- as in his previous texts, emails, phone calls and carrier pigeon missives -- that they need to bring S down and telling her not to fuck Nate or at least not to mean it. She heads over to Nate's insane body and has sex with him and means it real hard. That'll show her brother Ben. That's what most people like to think about when having sex with Nate Archibald: Their siblings.

Out on the street, Chuck smarms and smirks and calls up his old friend Tim Gunn and asks him for an interview with Jennifer Humphrey. Because the Tim Gunn of this universe still works at Parsons and not at Liz Claiborne like he has for about a million years. And also, he and his assistant Veronica are good friends of Chuck Bass, due to their intersecting lifestyles. But then, if you told me Tim Gunn were an important ingredient in a nuclear bomb, I could not say for sure that you were lying. It certainly makes sense to me.

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Gossip Girl




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