Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

Vanessa Abrams and Rufus Humphrey have a conversation even stupider than that. Elsewise, Nate and Dan are just about done jerking each other off and have changed into tennis outfits. Nate thinks it would be a great idea for them to double-date, if you know what I mean, because A) Juliet has proven herself so trustworthy and B) Vanessa is so fun.

Nate invites both Humphrey and Dumphrey over to Hamilton House -- you know, that exclusive club that Juliet got thrown out of about a minute ago? -- for free appetizers and a little Russian Roulette. Dan loves free appetizers because he is a cheap piece of Brooklyn trash just like his horrible girlfriend, Nate remembers this from when he was a homeless prostitute and only Rufus would give him the time of day.

Nate decides to up the ante by describing in oddly sterile but detailed terms his plans to deflower Juliet Sharp by candlelight. Because it is Nate, the only time he sounds actually horny is when he's describing the threadcount of the sheets on which this will occur. He then talks about how -- completely by choice! -- they have been living the sexless life of Dan Humphrey together. They played Scrabble. Juliet let Nate win, probably. I would. Whatever. Anyway, then they have some of that gay sex with one another.

Juliet's fake life is real in lots of ways. Like, number one, she isn't going to be letting Nate win at Scrabble for too much longer, because he is hot as hell and you can't keep that Bentley in the carport forever. Probably this means she will fall in love with him, because I don't know if you've ever seen this show before, but she's going to fall in love with him. And secondly, she has to go to classes for her imaginary spy life where she goes to college. And those classes are just eating her lunch!

Somehow, not having sex with Nate, and being a member of all kinds of clubs she's not a member of, and going to classes that she does not need because clearly she is past graduation age and fully capable of running her own LA advertising firm. Clearly all of this has become for her like the eponymous sensation of the 1991 Jennifer Jason Leigh movie Rush, wherein JJL and Jason Patric forget not to do a bunch of heroin, and then I think Eric Clapton's kid falls out a window.

Juliet apologizes to her broheim Ben for not visiting him in white collar jail. But honestly, jail for Ben seems to be entirely: Continually calling Juliet. And texting her, and emailing her and FaceTiming her and Skyping her and MySpacing her and Friendstering her and tweeting her and woofing her and digging her and poking her and joining her mafia and throwing sheep at her. What's an in-person visit really worth at that point?

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Gossip Girl




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