Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

"The good news is that Serena is now isolated from both Dan and Nate." All Ben cares about is sisterhood and how Blair must be separated from Serena at all costs so then Serena will have no friends and Ben will -- somehow -- win. Juliet tells him to slow his roll and thinks about making some more anal rape jokes and then says she couldn't possibly try to get Serena expelled, not so soon after the Hamilton House event. Ben says that probably Juliet should use Nate as her fall guy, and then starts talking about how pretty Nate is, because life's hard on the block and it can change a man faster than you think. That's the whole plan at this time: Use Nate in some fashion. Juliet's like, "Thanks for the tip!" and he's like, "Because you're not in love with him or else!" And I mean, is Ben really her brother? I haven't seen this much inappropriate interest in a family member's cooch since that time Jenny existed.

Blair is a bitch to like a hundred people, and then it turns out that Chuck Bass is on campus and auditing several classes and but so really he's at Columbia to destroy Blair's entire life from the ground up, because of that hooker whose named started with E. (Not his mom, the younger one. No, not the nanny, the other younger one. Frenchie. Yeah, you got it.) But he doesn't like school! It doesn't matter, they all go to Columbia and Serena and Nate can barely comprehend time or space and besides, Chuck Bass gave the school a rotunda. Blair tells the minions to keep her wish to take a class with the visiting lady -- you know, that recipe branding expert that Serena van der Woodsen is so fond of -- and then claws at the eyes of one of them, ensuring that for the first time a minion will act like a human person instead of Dorota.

I bet Kanye's "Power" was a pretty sweet get when they were editing this together. Little did they know that the whole world was about to become an advertisement for the Facebook movie and this song would just sound like sounds. What it accompanies is Serena van der Woodsen not having a blast with Gossip Girl's latest blast, which says that Serena is giving everybody a Sexually Transmitted Disease. (Or, as my best friend Alison says, "Serena van der Woodsen is a sexually transmitted disease." That's double jeopardy!) But honestly, Juliet Sharp -- and don't think I don't see you skulking around campus like Voldemort with unicorn blood all over your shit -- on the list of things that who cares, this ranks among the most.

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Gossip Girl

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