Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

Serena runs to Blair and they have a conversation like this: Serena says, "I need advice." Blair says, "What kind of advice?" Serena says, "Like how does Gossip Girl know what it's like down there. And who told." Blair says, "You don't have any diseases, she's just being gross." Serena says, "Except for that time she said poop she mostly keeps it clean. I think this is a lie." Blair says, "You being a whore is not news. This will blow over. Now, get to class." Serena says, "What is that and where is it?"

Blair thinks more and says, "Unless one single person we know goes to the health clinic today, and then it means you have AIDS." Serena says, "What if I see three crows fighting over a piece of bread?" Blair says, "It will rain. Chuck Bass, also." Serena says, "Why are we talking about Chuck?" Blair says, "Because I will be this lady's assistant and that will defeat Chuck somehow." Serena says, "I love that lady!" Blair says, "She is a human shield." Serena says, "Good point. I am going to go sit outside the health clinic and hope everybody we know doesn't show up there. Because I am proud of myself. And because I am One Less."

Juliet is amazed that everybody on this show slept with everybody else on this show. Dan and Nate hold hands behind her back and woggle their eyebrows, and then they both say that yes, they are all one big nasty rat king but that in this case they didn't bone Serena, separately or as a team, in a very long time. Juliet says now she can't sleep with him some more so her brother won't get mad, so this technicality doesn't actually matter at all because "symptoms can be dormant for months, or not even appear at all," and Nate could still be a carrier. Symptoms of what? Carrier of what? DOESN'T ... MATTER.

I love how they're like, "It's a CW show, let's educate the kids about what's the what" but then left out the what of that what.

"You could have a disease. It could have any symptoms, or maybe no symptoms. The prognosis is bad. Or good, we don't know. Medicine might help. Or you could go blind. Maybe you got it from a swimming pool. Or Serena. Or a long time ago. Diseases: Think about that."

And then a flying star with a rainbow tail and sparkles. Anyway, the only way Juliet will have pretend sex with Nate her pretend boyfriend is if he goes over to the Columbia health clinic quad where Serena is blithely emailing her professor ("Dear Professor How do U know when to be places lol") and taking part in the fight against cervical cancer by sitting around outside, to get tested for an imaginary disease he never contracted. Will she be wearing special underwear? He barely waits around for the answer, just grabs Dan by the dick and heads on over there.

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Gossip Girl




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