Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

Vanessa comes running up with leaves her hair because Dan makes her sleep outside and so she pretends that she likes to sleep in nature, because they are a pair of dicks. She yells at him for getting STD from Serena, which he didn't, that time they slept together, which they didn't. He tells her to stop being a suspicious ass for like once in her life and she tells him she most certainly will not. "But I told you I didn't sleep with Serena," he explains for the one millionth time, and for the one millionth time Vanessa's like, "That's right, you told me that before, sorry. I'm drastically sucky and I totally forgot."

Dan shakes his sexy gay haircutted head at her patronizing wig-shaking head and tries to be even more patronizing -- "I don't know if I can have this same conversation one more time," he says, which honestly, Dan, I feel you -- and so she shakes her head and furrows her brow so he shakes his head and furrows his brow and borrows Nate's brow and furrows that too so he wins so then she eats some bugs off the ground and goes to hell.

Juliet joins Serena at the crazy crotch table nobody else is sitting at in the always-hoppin' health center quad -- because who wouldn't want to watch everybody go in and out of there all the time, that sounds totally not awkward -- and tells her she's really sorry about how she's dying of STD and gave it to all of the world. S is like, "See, this is the fifth episode of this season and so far you've been the bad guy three of those times -- the other two the bad guy was murder, and I totally solved that in France -- so I'm thinking just maybe you were the one that did it because you are doing the same shit over and over."

Juliet says, "No, I didn't." Serena says, "Oh, good. Now we are friends. Thank you for not doing that." Juliet says, "I respect also your inability to be places, and I side with you over the professor of our one class, English Lit, who has higher hopes for your place-being capabilities than is really appropriate." Serena says, "How do you be places?" Juliet says, "I don't know, but I got places to be. Also, Nate is totally getting tested for Serena crotch viruses right now, which is something else I sympathize with you about." Serena is like, "You are such a good friend!"

Dan and Nate head inside to get tested together, and instead of jumping to the obvious conclusion -- or pointing out that Dan DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE -- Gossip Girl will assume that it's because they have Serena Transmitted Disease, so Serena grabs them on their way into the clinic and they stop holding hands and whistle and look at the sky. "Why did you confirm the rumor? Why did you go to the health clinic! Today! And you! You don't even go here! Both of you! We haven't slept together forever! You are just being mean!" Nate's like, "No, I am being horny."

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Gossip Girl




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