Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

Instead of realizing that Juliet's scheme is, as usual, completely transparent -- "Hey, stand right here." "Hey look, he's standing right here!" -- Serena goes to a hilarious place like, "Listen. I sucked every dick in France. And you got all the way to porn stars in Chuck's book, which is like whore with a nice crusty whore on top. So probably we do have many diseases. But instead of going in there to get tested, which can only 'ruin' my life today, why not be classy and go somewhere else? Or you could sit outside the health center and write an unrelated email, for example."

Nate's like, "Girl, you know I can't read and grabs Dan's hand and pulls him into the clinic. Vanessa sees them getting tested and -- instead of jumping to the obvious conclusion, or noting that he doesn't even go to Columbia -- assumes that this has something to do with Serena, because Vanessa, her head is like 43% tofu and superiority but the rest is just van der Woodsen all the way. I mean, so is Dan's? So it's not like she's wrong? But it's still wicked stupid of her to be so horrible all the time. You catch more flies with honey than you do with poisonous irony and self-hatred, as my grandmother used to say.

Visiting Lady Facts! Fact one: Largest client to date, National Rifle Association. Fact two: Created Mama Bears campaign, increased female NRA membership by a third. Fact three: First major success branding a cherry pie recipe for Better Homes and Gardens. (How do you get from Better Homes and Gardens to the NRA? "It's a short trip, believe me." How do you get from "branding a recipe" to having a career and not being homeless? You got me.) Blair finds Visiting Lady and climbs up her visiting leg and into her visiting pantsuit and nestles softly against her visiting teat.

But what's this? Chuck Bass, having just bought the visiting lady a visiting rotunda for all her visiting, is not only in the class but also her assistant but also in charge of who gets to be in the class, which is a Psychology of Business class, which is whatever, because like Dan and Vanessa, Chuck does not go to this school. If I bought you a rotunda, could I let my Capuchin monkey Sweetie be my TA? Apparently, Columbia would be cool with that.

And could my Capuchin monkey Sweetie have access to everybody's class schedule and move things around at his or her monkey whim? You betcha. "Show me the rotunda!" Columbia would say, and there you'd have it. Visiting lady sees the crazy in Blair's eyes -- Psychology of Business, remember -- and scoots the fuck. Chuck breathes deeply of Blair's cherry pie, which in this context doesn't actually symbolize "bulimia" but in fact "cunnilingus." Cool how we've spent the last three years Zaprudering back and forth and back and forth endlessly replaying over and over about that one time Jenny Humphrey didn't get raped (moral of the story: Don't get raped), but Blair's eating disorder is just this... Major Thing that never happened (moral of the story: Your daughter's eating disorder probably just went away, because that happens a lot when you forcefeed them carbs: They just get better).

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Gossip Girl




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