Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

However if it were a Vespa, I would climb onto your body. Kind of a weird message to send in the middle of this episode: Self-respect means not worrying about other people's judgments of your sexual partners! But self-respect also means judging other people for their sexual partners! Anyway, it turns out these little meetings of theirs where he chips daily away at her collegiate legitimacy are arranged for his own perverse pleasure. Which is the only thing that could make this dumber. It's the kind of coincidence where both parties have to consciously act in a way that makes it happen, which is no coincidence at all.

Serena, you do nothing but lie around in bed reading your one magazine and effing Goop, not fucking anybody, reflecting on your time with Scotland Yard and waiting for Blair to get home. You're not even constantly packing scarves upon scarves upon scarves this season, like you did every episode last year. You've even given up that hobby. How about for your one class you get that ass out the door five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes earlier? How long honestly does it take to get your boobs and hair to look like that? How is any of this his problem or your teachers' problem or, more to the point, how is it that this problem is a problem?

Dan and Rufus Humphrey have a conversation that is even stupider than that.

Oh, and, this whole episode Serena keeps saying "plausible deniability" over and over and over because she learned that term earlier from Dorota, who learned it from SVU. Like, using it so much it becomes elastic. "This taxicab has a real plausible deniability." "But the Red Snappers at Old King Cole's are so plausibly deniable!" "If I wear this ridiculous looking dress and one of my giant boobs pops out in front of the professor, I'll have plausible deniability based on the fact that all I wear are perilous dresses like this."

On campus, clomp-clomping herself toward an office somewhere, Serena is startled by Vanessa suddenly jumping out from behind a bush and gnawing on her arm. "I have to be places, Vanessa! I am learning to be places! Don't you slow me down!" Vanessa's like, "I am so mad at you!" Serena continues to clomp but somewhere the bell is tolling and it is tolling for Serena, because Vanessa sucks so much that time itself slows you down at her event horizon.

Okay V, why you mad at Serena? "Because did you sleep together that time you didn't sleep together?" Serena's like, "Talk to your boyfriend, spacker, today is not the day to bug me about my sex life." Vanessa's all, "I did and we keep having that same conversation over and over!" Serena's like, "Relates to me how?" Vanessa goes, "Relates to you because [and then she hits turbo for no reason whatsoever] YOU ARE A SLUT and ALL GIRLFRIENDS FEAR YOU because YOU TAKE NO PRISONERS, JUST A BUNCH OF DICKS." Serena's like, "As usual, it's been a pleasure."

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Gossip Girl




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