Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Dandy Frightening The Squatter

The minion that Blair abused so badly at the beginning of the episode is now having one of Chuck's "signature martinis," which is so fuckin' gay it's not even something a gay guy would say. She says some shit about practicing to take Blair down herself and Chuck almost pities her because she will most certainly be dead ere too long and that's sort of naïve to even think anyway. Then, I guess, she tells Chuck about how Miss Visiting Lonelyhearts needs a Cyrus Rose type to visit her visiting nethers and Blair's latest gambit to get that on lock.

Nate finds out that tests for Serena Transmitted Disease can take up to three or four days to come back. So now who knows how many viruses are crawling around inside his body and sexual organs? Answer: Not Nate. So now they can't sleep together, tonight, with the special underwear, due to the lack of information. Also because bareback is the only way, because condoms are bad for Jesus. "I can't believe our night's being derailed by this!" they whine, and then Juliet is like, "If only there were some way we could find out if Serena has texted or emailed anybody about all her sexual diseases!" Nate, you know Nate, he's not going to get there on his own. Juliet is somehow able to keep from striking him, and takes off to let this whole phone-stealing thing marinate, although Nate won't ever mention this conversation or think about it again so it's kind of a bunt: "You know? Like a device or something that she would do those activities on?" Nate goes, "You mean like Blair?"

Juliet strolls through a sunny park surrounded by stranger, reporting to Ben about how she's moved a good two yards forward since their conversation earlier in the three o'clock hour. Vanessa jumps out from behind a tree with her arms in the air, shrieking, and Juliet's like, "So nice to see you! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That Dan and Serena slept together last spring when you were still going out and you've discussed one billion times about how they didn't?" Vanessa's like, "Juliet, you're uncanny. It's like we're sisters!" And Juliet is like, "If I was your sister I would fucking stab myself in the heart. Let's go shopping! And then later we can steal Serena's phone at Hamilton House. Have you ever been to Hamilton House? Have you ever been inside a house?"

Serena, having missed office "hours" -- because, as the professor explains over text, he waited for five whole minutes -- comes back home bedraggled and late and sad and close to getting expelled. FOR NO ACTUAL REASON. "You know there's a clock on your cell phone, right?" Serena lies that she knew that, and she swears that it wasn't her fault. And yeah, this time -- maybe she was so very late for his office hours that she was five minutes past the end of them? -- really she's just blaming Vanessa for being a bitch. Actually, that's probably better than a doctor's note. "You know Vanessa Abrams?" Oh, you sweet child. Sit right down, I'll get you some Earl Grey tea-flavored tea. "Thank you, that's my favorite tea flavoring."

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Gossip Girl




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