Lily sweetly says goodbye to Jenny as her mother Cece arrives, descending on Serena like a kindly old vulture. She's totally Spike's mom! Dude, for real. She calls Serena her "magnificent granddaughter," and Serena shoots Jenny-type smiles all over the place, and Lily's like, "What up? I'm out," and bounces. Cece immediately tosses out some kind of Funny Old Drunk line about how she can't find the bar and should have brought booze herself, and they laugh politely even though it's, like, early afternoon and she's being creepy. Dan introduces himself, and Cece narrows in on him: "My granddaughter told me that you were delighted when she decided not to make her debut this weekend?" Which is kind of a wide blow to start with. Serena assures him that he can go ahead and say exactly what he thinks, because "Grandma loves honesty." Which goes along with her whole "let's all find the booze" vibe, but mostly: do not ever, ever believe anybody when they say this. The best reason to shut up in the world is if somebody tells you to just be honest. Especially to a scary old person like this. You are asking for trouble. The second Serena said that, my skin got cold, because, firstly, don't do it, and secondly: you fucking know Dan is thinking, like, "Now here is my chance to express myself!"
So Dan tells Cece that cotillions are antiquated and a "remnant of a different age," and Cece tells him to shut the eff up in the only language she knows: "Well, do go on!" Which is your sign to drop everything and run, out of the Preston dance studio, out of Manhattan, out of New York, keep running until you hit Arizona and then change your name, but like Dan is even remedially aware of any of that: "People spend all this money to have their daughters basically dance in front of others for attention." He offers that Serena, being a lovely free spirit who enjoys leisurely pursuits on her own schedule, would probably dance around in front of you free of charge. Cece points out that cotillion "teaches the graces that women should always have in their arsenal," which I guess is true, except you should already have those, and Serena clearly does, so basically the people most in need of cotillion training are the people who won't ever get it, which is: Humphreys. You know who needs some mothereffing graces? Vanessa Effing Abrams. Dan points out that Serena's graces are spectacular, and they laugh, and Serena points out that, since she's a million years old, Cece's own graces are pretty pointless. Ouch, much? Cece leaves, and Serena's like, "Isn't she great?" Dan agrees that Cece is, in fact, something. And that something is an effer, and he's about to eff with her.