"Dan...Humphrey, was it?" asks Cece from over Lily's shoulder, and Lily rolls her eyes and says yes, delighting in it. And at first I thought that was like one of those stock "...of the Hudson Bay Humphreys?" kind of rich-people talk, but in fact no, it has to do with Lily and Rufus, which means that no matter how kind Lily is getting to the Humphreys, she's still signing on to the dogs of war that Cece is about to let slip, just for the joy of giving her mom a Humphrey-shaped finger. "Oh, you think that's crazy? My whole family is dating their whole family. We got Humphrey all over us right now, effer."
Chuck and Blair! Lying in a bed! Bright red tights up over his head! Chuck tells B how hot she looked on "Princess Theodore's arm" at practice, and Blair wonders aloud if that means she's just an accessory. "Next to him, yes," he mumbles, and she shifts onto him, 96 pounds of cowgirly evil: "...On me, you'd be so much more." But of course, she can't be on Chuck in any way, because then Nate would break up with him, and she herself would be ruined, so step one of a journey of a million miles would be for Chuck to start acting right, which will never, ever happen. Just then, Dorota calls up: Nate's arrived downstairs. Chuck sighs and falls back onto the bed, yet to get effed.
She's still wearing those crazy red tights! Nate stumbles and mumbles and murmurs and whatever about how he's being driven crazy with thoughts of her at the dance practice, and how they've wanted to go to cotillion together since they were ten years old, and they agree that Nate has behaved poorly of late. Chuck listens in, smiling. Nate admits that Prince Theodore is a good dancer, but asks her to consider letting him escort her, for old times' sake. "Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on." Chuck grins, practically wrapped in a curtain. Nate shows her a tiny gold heart, sewn into the sleeve of the sweater he's wearing. "It's my pin! I sewed it there so you'd always have my heart on your sleeve." ("And by 'I,' I mean a servant or small child!") He laughs and offers it back to her, but Blair shakes her head: it was a gift. "The prince will understand." Nate smiles, quietly, and they agree to attend, as just friends. Which suits Chuck none at all, because friendship is how they get you.
J shows up at Rufus's gallery beaming one of her thousand-watters that always makes her look crazed on PCP. He's like, "You're about to ask me a favor or stab me for meth money." She tells him about how she "got a volunteer position at a charity," which is like leaving out all the words of a sentence, really. But it's on Sunday: "I know it's Mom's opening, and I know it's really important, but I can do both." Rufus blows some Humphrey sunshine about how "as a family" we do this or that, whatever whatever, he's still in the "new toy" phase of being a grownup and a father, so he wants to get all paterfamilias on her ass, when really he should be getting the deets. With this show's tenuous relationship to time and causation, she could easily go to the cotillion, leave behind a glass slipper again, show up before the art opening even happens, and still find time to eat some waffles and/or go out for drinks. Whatever. Alison enters and asks what Jenny was going to be volunteering for, before her inconsistent husband decided today was a good day to parent, and Jenny runs off about who cares anyway. Alison shows Jenny some totally cute shoes she bought vintage, which match the outfit Jenny's wearing to the opening. Jenny goes totally postal and nasty on her. "Mom, the kids I go to school with shop at Saks and Bendel's. I can't be walking around in someone's old shoes." Alison is sad and poor and Jenny takes off and her parents stare vacantly at each other. This wouldn't happen if you people would just live within your means.