Serena: "Speaking of the exploitation and abuse that characterized your early years on the show, are you seeing anybody new?"
Nate: "A horrible girl-child with a wretched temper and a stupid name. She wears these hats that just make you want to slap her little face."
Serena: "How weird because my boyfriend is across the street having luncheon with somebody exactly like that."
Nate: "Oh my God what are the odds that our two lovers would be cheating on us with each other, right across the street from where we are randomly sitting on a bench."
Serena: "Nil. Literally there is no chance of that. And yet here we are. On this show still."
WHAT NELLY HAS BEEN UP TO
Nelly says: "Once I got into Yale, I realized I didn't have to dress like you anymore."
Nelly thinks: Her attempts to dress like Blair Waldorf ever got further than 'Andie Walsh stapling 45s to the ceiling of a record shop with Annie Potts.'
Nelly says: "I still have night terrors about Nairtinis and yogurt bombs... Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night shouting, Tights are not pants!"
Nelly thinks: Tights are fucking pants, which they fucking are not.
Nelly says: "I am not biased. I play fair. That's why I got into Yale, and you didn't."
Nelly thinks: Along the same douchebag lines as your average Dan Humphreys or Vanessa Abramses.
Nelly says: "Did I mention I graduated early?"
Nelly thinks: I have no idea. Just get her out of here.
The deal is that Poppy Lifton -- "That Ponzi-scheming fauxcialite?" -- is also debuting a fashion line, and Nelly's pitch for this story is "Society Goes Sartorial," pitting Poppy and Blair against one another to see whose unearned privilege and vanity line delusions are more hilarious. Spoiler, neither of them are that hilarious, and there is no point in having Poppy Lifton in this episode except to pretend that this season is going to show respect for the preceding five seasons of the show, which is a matter of more subtlety and thought than just cramming in characters we barely remember from storylines that didn't even make sense in the first place.
AN ILL-STARRED LUNCHEON QUADRILLE
Nate: "Dear Sage, I am breaking up with you despite not knowing anything about what the fuck is going on."
Serena: "That was kind of stupid, even for you."
Nate: "Well, either this show is kind of crappy and contrived, or it's not a coincidence that our lovers are luncheoning together."
Serena: "Or maybe both."