Lily: "...I'm just glad Steven was able to buy them off and keep her on the Board, after he got caught punching a newspaper magnate for fucking his daughter... Yeah, you'd think we were real trash, wouldn't you? Might as well get a tattoo or move to LA. Anyway, thanks for the advice, Patti. I sometimes forget how much of a commitment it really takes to be a complete whore."
Bart: "I bought you this necklace!"
Lily: "And not a moment too soon, dear."
Blair: "Do you think I'll lose my mind due to these unrealistic expectations and pressures I'm putting on myself?"
Dorota: "Maybe ask more good how that could possibly not happen. Your bitch mother make you bulimic as child, Miss Blair. Now you ten days from destroying entire legacy. This storyline seems like prime recipe for nervous breakdown."
Blair: "I'm really just curious because without Chuck Bass I'm not really a person."
Dorota: "Oh, yes. Much healthier."
Sage: "You know what 17-year-old girls hate? Walking to school with their dorky dad and trophy stepmom."
Barry Watson: "Am I dorky? I was pretty hot on Samantha Who?, and that was only like five years ago."
Sage: "Any case, I am going to take every single one of you motherfuckers down with me."
Serena: "Are you honestly saying that I carry no social currency at Constance at all? I am like, the entire reason Gossip Girl exists."
Sage: "Gossip Girl? Bitch, ain't nobody got time for that. Gossip Girl is for old people, irrelevant people, whatever words hurt you the most."
Barry Watson: "So that's kind of what you'll be dealing with, sorry I didn't mention her before."
Serena: "You're underestimating my self-absorption to a level that is like, hurtful. What do I care if your daughter's a bitch or not? Won't kill my buzz none. Frankly, I plan to welcome any excuse to ignore her."
Alexa Chung! For like thirty seconds. Chuck and, unexpectedly, Serena and Sage help Blair with her first runway show, but of course Sage ruins everything for everybody because she's awful. Nate and Dan run an exposé on Rufus and Ivy Dickens, to which the UES responds with a resounding "We don't know who those people are!"
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.